Nice

Ho hum.

My work is sending me to Yellowstone for New Years. I will be chatting up the geezers that dropped three grand to see geysers for a week. I will buy them drinks, take them snowshoeing, and soak in hot springs with them. Hopefully, I will not see any saggy balls in the hot springs... And I will do a damn good job of showing them a good time. Old people usually like me. The stakes are pretty high too, because if you do well as a host on a smaller trip, the next time around I could be looking at schmoozing on an expedition to China or Siberia or Kenya. Not that I’ll be at my current job long enough for them to get back around to me, but if they did, I’d take Siberia over Kenya any day. I mean, look at it! Is that gorgeous or what? And how many people have been to SIBERIA? I've been to Kenya, enough of that boring safari shit! I kid, I'd take a free trip to Africa anyday, but I would really, really love to get to Siberia someday. Hell, maybe I'll just swim there next time I visit Alaska.

Yellowstone aside, I am in a December funk. I am not going home for the holidays and it’s kind of bumming me out. This is not the first time I’ve missed Christmas with my family, but when I was living in Alaska most of my friends didn’t make the trip home either so there were a ton of things going on to keep me busy. This year I think I am going to wind up completely alone watching Lord of the Rings all day. Now, don’t get me wrong, I love Lord of the Rings. I have not watched it in a long time either, so I am sure I will enjoy it too. But picturing the rest of my family sitting around a tree fighting with each other will definitely get me a little homesick. I hope this is the last Christmas I miss for awhile…

The good, the bad, and the ugly

Packers v. Cowboys @ Dallas – November 29, 2007

The good: It was a good game. My biggest fear was that the Cowboys were going to make it a blowout and that didn’t happen. And the fact that we could keep it a close game without two of our best players (KGB and Woodman) and with Favre getting injured, I think that says a lot about our team. I’d like to see how well Dallas would play without d-bags Romo and TO. And Rogers did a really good job especially since he’s only taken, what, two snaps this whole season? It gives me hope that when Favre does call it quits we will still be a strong team. We are a young team and we are a good team. I really believe that if we meet Dallas again in the playoffs, even if it is in Texas, if we have a healthy team (and Harris actually steps in up a notch!) we will win.

The bad: Favre was not on his game and then he got injured. That sucks.

The ugly: I believe my love affair with Favre is well documented, but even I get sick of hearing announcers fawn over him like he’s the second coming of Christ. And even though he did not play well it was expected because he never plays well in Dallas. EVER. He’s 0-9 there. But at least when people start talking about how great Favre is they are basing it on something. Favre has proven that he is an amazing quarterback. One of the best ever. I mean, come on, he’s 500-years old and he’s playing as well as he did in 1997. But the way that stupid Bryant Gumbel was jacking off to Romo’s name last night was so disgusting. I think he’s in training to be as bad as Madden. ‘Apparently’, the Packers scored a first down? It was a 19-yard play, you blind motherfucker! Sure, Romo’s good but this is his second year and he wasn’t that impressive! Not to mention that he is neck in neck with Brady for the title of Biggest Douche in the NFL. You don’t cream your pants over a second year quarterback. And I am really hoping that one of my four readers will have a better name for Romo than ‘Homo Romo’ because I hate it when people say that. There is no need to insult the entire gay community. And I’m sure that someone creative has something better than that.

Things I Learned Over Thanksgiving:

1. I don’t like turkey. I have no idea why it’s taken me so long to realize that, but I am not a huge fan. I’ll take pork over poultry any day. And apparently I also like ‘gamy’ meat – venison, buffalo, pheasant. Anyone who says that shit isn’t amazing doesn’t know how to cook or hunt.

2. Packer games live are even better than Packer games on TV. And tailgating is my new favorite sport.

3. I am above average when it comes to weight gain over Thanksgiving. I am pretty sure I read somewhere that the average American only gains about 3 pounds over the entire holiday season. I am pretty sure I surpassed that in one meal. There is a reason I left the land of fried cheese and brats.

4. Blogging is only fun when it’s wasting time at work.

5. There are very few people that I even remember from high school much less want to hang out with when I am back in Milwaukee.

6. Somerset, PA – and all the surrounding rinkie-dink towns can kiss my ass. If I never experience holiday traffic in Pennsylvania again it will be too soon.

Why you've gotta love the political season...

Have you seen the "SwiftKids for Truth" ads yet? Effing hysterical!

Hobnobbin'!

I’ve rubbed elbows with some pretty impressive people the last two weeks. It’s not really the people I’m impressed with, just the fact that I am meeting them. I’ve been working on a national youth conference for the last few months at work and it took place the first weekend in November. It was somewhat of a headache working on this, not because of the actual event, but because I work with a bunch of dumbasses. And I have to admit, I totally expected it to be a bust. What can I say? It’s a coalition of over 30 different youth and environmental organizations. We couldn’t even agree on a name for the conference so I didn’t really have high expectations. But I am happy to say that I was wrong. We were aiming for about 3,000 students from all over the country and ended up with over 6,000! I thought the best speaker we’d be able to get was some random student from a liberal arts school in Vermont. But then Rep. Ed Markey, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, Ralph Nader, and author and founder of the “Step It Up” campaign Bill McKibben showed up. And it was covered on Hardball and MTV and Discovery, and it was mentioned in Time magazine. And I can’t help it, I’ve got to get sappy here - when I was actually standing on the Hill surrounded by students that actually care and I was watching students from Alaska and Florida and Arizona and Michigan gearing up for over 2,000 separate lobby visits – it felt like a movement. The energy was palpable and after years of saying we were going to start engaging students – we actually were. It was inspiring and uplifting and it really does give me hope that we might be able to organize and truly make a difference.

I so desperately needed something to be proud of too. Working on global warming issues every day can be so daunting. And depressing. And I think it’s crucial to be optimistic in this field. I mean, if you don’t think anyone can make a difference, what’s the point?

My other brush with fame was courtesy of free tickets to the DC premiere of Lions for Lambs. Now, the movie sucked and I hate Tom Cruise, but he was there and he came with Katie. Robert Redford was there too. And Lynda Carter, but I am not really sure why she was there. And best of all, there was free soda and popcorn! Can’t get much better than that!

Hot! Hot! Hot!

I don’t normally blog about sex, mostly because I am so rarely having any but I just couldn’t help myself today. Last night I had the best sex dream ever. I assume that most women and some men probably fantasize about Johnny Depp or Taye Diggs or that hot guy from The Fast and the Furious that never made another movie worth watching. And there is nothing wrong with that, all those guys are well worth getting off to. Usually when I have a sex dream though, it rapidly deteriorates into a nightmare because I end up doing the guy up in finance or David Gest or someone else that makes your skin crawl. I wake up in a cold sweat and have to reassure myself that you can’t get herpes from your dreams.

But last night, last night was the way sex dreams are supposed to go. I got to have sex with Brett Favre and he was well worth the wait. That butt. Those arms. That man is so unbelievably hot. I am definitely a big fan of any guy with well defined arms. I woke up and wanted a cigarette. Then I tried to will myself back to sleep to continue the dream, but that never happens. And I want to know why. The last time I had a good sex dream was back in 1992 when I dreamt about Luke Perry. I was so in love with Dylan McKay that I had a life-sized poster up in my bedroom and I might have made out with it once or twice. But that was a thirteen-year old sex dream, before I knew what sex could be like, so that hardly counts. Luke introduced me to sex dreams, but Brett has definitely set the bar, and he set it pretty high. So if anyone has any good suggestions on how to make yourself have great sex dream, please fill me in. God knows I need it.

Surefire way to get a 6-point buck...

Why I love weekends in fall:

There is nothing that beats a crisp, clear day in fall.

Shenandoah Big Meadow - everything was just bursting with color this weekend.

I think that the one thing I do not miss at all about Juneau is the fall. Juneau just gets cold and muddy and wet. And this area screams beauty. How could you not enjoy it? And to top it all off, I won my office football pool for the second week in a row! I am so awesome!

I tried to make a Harry Potter liger, but I got bored half way through and ended up with this. Whatever.

Why You've Gotta Love Godtube.com

This one's for you, Becca!

Breakin' up is hard to do...well, not really.

Well, the boy took the news really well. In fact, if there was a script for the easiest way to break up with someone it couldn't have gone any smoother. And I am proud of myself because I was really tempted to make up a convenient 'I'm-really-a-lesbian' or 'I'm-moving-to-China' lie but I stuck with honesty. I am totally growing up! And he was so cool about it. We might even remain friends. Granted, that is a lot easier to do when you don't have romantic feelings for that person. But it's a relief to know that there isn't another person out there that hates me now.

I've also decided to stay single for awhile. I'm definitely leaving DC in the near future, so what's the point? And I hate to admit it, but I am still getting over the ex. Roonie posted a blog awhile ago (on my birthday to be exact) about things you want to tell your ex and it struck a chord. The newness of being alone was still too fresh at the time for me to really know what I wanted to say and my thinking was skewed because I was just coming out of the worst year of my life.

I’m not trying to be melodramatic; it literally was a shitty, shitty year. It’s not like I was homeless or chronically ill, but May 2006 to May 2007 will go down on record as the year of Fuck Kristin the Hard Way. Yes, I realize that can be good every once in awhile, but after 12 straight months of ass fucking I was just too raw.

What made it such a crap pile of a year? There was a ton of stuff going on that just compounded. In May 2006, the newness of my job was starting to wear off and I was starting to realize it wasn’t going to be all rainbows and unicorns like I had pictured in my head. Moving financially wiped me out and I was realizing how expensive it is to live in DC. Plus summer was beating down on me and I was learning that this swampy ass city is as close to hell as I ever care to get. But everyone has little problems and those weren’t even blips on the radar. My grandpa died, which was a pretty big blow. And there were the growing problems with my unbelievably psychotic roommate, which I think got to me more than I liked to admit. And then the ex literally went from “Let’s move in together” one week to “I’m leaving you for an old whore” (perhaps I am paraphrasing there a bit) the next week. Dead grandparent/getting dumped/crazy roommate = trifecta that I blame for the 30 (ok, 35) pounds I’ve gained since I moved here and the reason I started smoking again after 4 years.

But now that I've had some time to reflect I'd like to start my own list.

Things to tell my ex:
It took me six months to realize that you leaving was a good thing.
It took me almost a year to forgive you.
I still hope your relationship fails.
I feel smarter without you.
I will never put up with that much bullshit again.
If you hadn't left, eventually I would have.
It's not relaxing, or having a good time, or unwinding after a hard day - you are an alcoholic.

Scratch that...

Okay, I changed my mind. I am moving to South Carolina and voting for Colbert.

Ron Paul: A New Hope

I have not been so hopeful and enamored by a candidate since Feingold’s first term.

I SO Rock!

Fourteen years of violin lessons have finally paid off! Who knew that the Suzuki method would also come in handy ten years later for kicking some major ass at Guitar Hero? That’s right, I finally had a chance to play Guitar Hero for the first time and I am totally ready to buy an Xbox now. I started out on the beginner level and within ten minutes I’d moved up to the hard level. I even managed to (barely) get through one song on the expert level! But for my first time, I’d say that’s pretty damn good!

Sadly, other than Guitar Hero, there is nothing new going on in my life. No one wants to give me a new job and I am sick of bitching about my current one. I am trying to figure out how to break up with someone, a story I am sure will make a great blog entry eventually, but so far I keep chickening out. I mean, seriously, how do you tell an incredibly nice, asthmatic, epileptic that you never, ever ever want to see him again? Do I have to worry about that killing him? And why do I keep ending up with stories like that?

I didn’t want to turn into that blogger that only posts once a month (Dwight) but until I get hit with some motivation or have a sudden burst of creativity, I think I might be taking a break.

Am I A Hater?

I am worried I might be a prejudice homophobe that hates people with cancer. I don’t know if any of my four readers have facebook, but I do because I post job openings and stuff on there for work. Ok, so that is why I first got a page. I maintain it because it kills time at work. A lot of time. And a lot of my friends have facebook too and they always send me requests to join groups to fight against homophobia, racial segregation, breast cancer, global warming, etc.

You get my point.

And I never accept those causes. Facebook is basically like MySpace, but if you accept too may of those requests, your page gets all cluttered and I have more important things to put on my page. Like ‘How hot are my friends?’ and the page I created for my dog. Oh! And the happy hour application you can add so you can send and receive drinks from your friends. Those all totally deserve more space on my page.

Screw the Jena 6.

How Slow Can Your Exodus Go?

I have slowly been cleaning off my desk at work. Not bleaching down the surfaces, although that would probably be a good thing, but taking home shit that has accumulated since I started working here. All my pictures are gone, the stupid stuffed penguin they gave me when I first started is gone, the mostly dead plant, and most of my books. All that is left now is my assortment of various teas and Emergen-C, the year old can of soup I have never gotten desperate enough to eat for lunch, and the copy of Middlesex I’ve been reading whenever my boss doesn’t come in.

I am trying to clean up so that when I leave, which is inevitable at this point since I despise my job more and more with each passing day, it won’t be so difficult to get the hell out of here. I am also trying to not make it so noticeable that I am planning ahead for an easy exit. So far, my plan seems to be working. They have no idea what’s coming.

I'm da BOMB!

WebMD.com is probably the worst website in the world for a
semi-hypochondriac like myself. My allergies have been kicking my ass
for the last two weeks and I was starting to wonder if it might be
something else, so I went online. Big mistake. I am now convinced that
I have tuberculosis along with a tumor and cancer, which means I am
totally fucked and I am going to be dead in the next 3 months.

In other news, I totally bombed my last interview for that job in
Milwaukee. I didn't give a shit during the first two rounds of
interviews, and I suddenly decide I actually want the job and turn
into a rambling moron that says, "Um…" after every sentence. So much
for that job!

It's Decision Time...

Well, it looks like I might be getting my wish. Or maybe not. Considering I have zero direction in my life right now, it’s hard to say what I am wishing for. But I’ve been talking about leaving my job for a few months now and that might be a real option soon.

My final interview for a job in Milwaukee is this Friday and while I am excited about the prospect of this job, the timing totally sucks. And now that it is more real I, of course, am having second thoughts about it. I do this every time there is the possibility of something new. But I don’t think that at this point in my life I am going to be completely satisfied with any decision I make. All I know is that I am so sick of having to work two jobs. And I am more than ready to give up DC traffic jams and the retched allergies that have recently become the bane of my existence. Plus, in Milwaukee, I could afford to live alone and according to Craigslist at least, I could even afford to live alone downtown in a pretty nice neighborhood, which could actually be fun.

The one thing that is really going to suck it telling my roommates that I am leaving. I don’t see how they can get upset though considering I am going to continue to pay rent until our lease is up. If anything, I think they’ll be happy that they have more room to themselves and won’t be stuck watch Rock of Love anymore. Right?

ALASKA!!

Alaska recap:

Miz enjoying Pizzaria Roma


Julie and I heading out to Tracy Arm


Sawyer Glacier


Pretty


Iceberg dead ahead!


I miss fireweed

Can you say "JADED"?

For a few weeks now, I have been sending out job applications to no avail. But apparently, my luck is changing. I had an interview last week and two more places have called me to set up interviews. The problem is, I have no idea what I want to do. I mean, they all sound like fine jobs. And I know that I want to leave my current job. But I think I am officially jaded now. That idealistic college grad is gone and basically I am just trying to figure out which one of these jobs would suck the least. I didn’t expect that to happen so fast.

If I rock all three interviews and get offered all three jobs, I could stay in DC, move back to Milwaukee, or move on to yet another new city. I am sick of moving, but I’ve been complaining about DC for at least a few months now. And if I took the job here, even though it’s definitely the best job career wise, I know it wouldn’t make me any happier. If I go to a completely new city, I’m basically starting all over. Again. And if I take I job in Milwaukee, I go back to my past, which isn’t all that great.

A girl I work with at REI is packing up her truck and heading out west. She has no plan, no definite destination. And I am so jealous of her right now. When I went to Vegas to see George off before he left for PeaceCorp, I met some of his friends out there and they were pretty fucking awesome. I told this girl I work with that she should look them up when she gets to Colorado and it sounds like she is going to do just that. She is going to learn how to ski and get drunk with people I want to be friends with and leave whenever she wants to. And I can’t do that because I have a dog and a shit ton of debt to pay off. And it’s not like I have a PhD or a law degree to show for it either. No, I have a semester abroad and poor credit card management skills. What I really want to do is find a shitty ass job that pays be a butt load of money so I can get my car and my student loans paid off in the next two years and then I too can run off to Colorado and do whatever the hell I want. Now I just have to figure out where to even find a job that doesn’t require much experience and pays well. Any suggestions?

There was an old lady who lived in a shoe.

I hope a love of shoes is not a prerequisite for being female, but I think it might be. I used to think that I liked shoe shopping. But that’s a big lie. I can’t even walk in heels. And I pretty much wear the same flip-flops every day. I went to DSW for the first time last night with my friend and she walked out with three pair of shoes and I walked out with a headache. Seriously, how many shoes does one person need? The old lady who lived in a shoe was obviously a crazy bitch. Shoes are expensive.

Other that the suit I just got to go out on interviews, I haven’t bought anything other than wedding shit for months. So how is it that I keep spending money?! How? It really sucks. I don’t do anything. I go see a movie once in awhile, but that's about it. I go to the free museums - I won't even shell out the $16 it costs to get into the Spy Museum, even though I think that sounds frickin' awesome. (Seriously, KDonk007 sounds pretty badass if you ask me...) Anyway, I don’t go to concerts, I don’t go to the really awesome bars that charge $14 for a shitty apple martini, I don’t even get my haircut because it’s like $40 around here! I wait until I visit my parents and then go to this woman’s house that my mom knows where she cuts hair in her living room for $8 a pop. So where is my money going?

I think part of the reason I have been so crabby lately is because it’s summer in DC, which means if hotter than hell. Literally. The heat index is some where around 106 today. (Becca, that’s like 41 degrees for you. Canada is so silly.) Why the hell our founding fathers decided to drain a swamp and then set up shop is beyond me. I would have built the White House up in New England. And then come up with something a little more original than New England. And for that matter, the White House is pretty damn unoriginal too. I would have slapped some color on that sucker and come up with a better name. Sorry, GW, but your shit is B-O-R-I-N-G.

Hey Miz!

Miz, my co-worker at REI is moving to Boulder in a few weeks. Anyway, I told her I knew some awesome guys that could show her where to ski this winter. She nice (and super cute, so hook her up!) and she likes beer, so I know you two will totally get along. My fake email account - you know, the email account you use whenever you sign up for crap so you don't fill up your real email account is kritkrat@earthlink.net. Shoot me an email so I can tell her how to get a hold of you! She's cool beans.

PS - I know you don't live in Boulder. Or Englewood for that matter. But she's got a Jeep and knows how to use it!

So sleepy...

My BFF was in town this weekend and I finally got to do some of the tourist-y things DC has to offer. I can’t believe I’ve been here for well over a year now and I haven’t been to half the museums on the Mall. The only down side to the whole weekend is that I didn’t once get really drunk. And I was so looking forward to that.

Anyway, I haven’t caught up on my sleep since she left and I have absolutely no motivation to write anything remotely entertaining right now.

Family Matters

Drinking, I have discovered, is the key to dealing with my family. I love them, but spending an entire weekend with my extended family is definitely the cause for a bottle of tequila. Actually, scratch that. I hate tequila. I once got so drunk on tequila that I threw a glass bottle at someone and slapped someone else. Not my finest moment, and pretty much the only time I have ever been a violent drunk. I stuck with beer this weekend anyway. And a few, ok make that 7 rum and cokes. My grama is the coolest lady in the whole wide world when I am half in the bag. She is 95 and was a total flapper back in the day. Last time we got drunk together she gave me her recipe for bathtub gin, which she apparently made and sold during prohibition. Could she be any cooler?!

I also found out my mom was doped up on Vicodin the first few months I was alive and she purposely took it right before breast feeding me! Apparently, my grama also gets a loose tongue when she drinks. It explains so much…

The only thing I did this weekend besides drink was read Harry Potter. And speaking of Harry, SPOILER ALERT!! Can I just say, ‘I told you so!’ I mean, I know it was predictable, but I still called it. So HA! And other than the last 75 pages, I loved it. But I think she chickened out on what could have been the coolest children’s book ever.

And that was my weekend. My life is so cool.

Kinda makes you go 'hmmm'...

I’m going to kvetch here for just a minute. My roommate is 23-years old and she got a job with the CIA right out of college. Her job doesn’t have anything to do with what she went to school for. And even though the website for the CIA says that they are looking for applicants with military experience or travel experience in the Middle East, China, or Africa, my roommates only international travel was her study abroad in Australia. She doesn’t speak a foreign language and my point to all this is that I am jealous. If I stay in the non-profit world, I’ll be about 35 before I am making what she makes right now at 23. Anyway, I chalked it up to her being in the right place at the right time, but I changed my mind this past weekend.

On Saturday night, my roommate decided to go to a Toby Keith concert with a bunch of people she works with and they met up at our house before heading out. First of all, a group of ‘military analysts’ spending money to go see Toby Keith is scary enough. I mean, talk about a douche bag. I hope he didn’t brainwash them all into assassinating the Dixie Chicks and committing us to three more years in Iraq just to teach those goddamn anti-patriotic terrorists a lesson.

Anyway, the other really annoying thing I noticed about everyone that went to the concert was that they were all girls and they were all super cute, young, under qualified and looked like they went straight to the CIA from Kappa Beta Gamma. All white, all blonde, and all alcoholics apparently. They came home so bombed it was actually quite comical. My roommate missed the one step leading up to our front door and busted her chin open and left blood all over the house.

All these girls also got hired from career fairs where they interviewed in person. I have been to several career fairs for my current job and we always get the hippies that put on clean jeans to impress us. The government always has a booth with people lining up for miles in full on suits with multiple copies of their resumes. There are short people, tall people, black people, and white people. I think I saw that oldest kid from Malcolm in the Middle there once. And the people interviewing candidates are usually middle-aged white men. Hmmm…

HELLO Harry!

This weekend, my friend Vinu and I went to see the latest Harry Potter film. We already had our tickets and we got there 30 minutes early but it was so crowded already that we couldn’t even sit next to each other! Thankfully, there were no annoying talkers or crying babies or I would have had a fit. There is nothing worse than going to see a movie you are really excited about and having some snotty-ass little brat kick the back of your seat the entire movie. Or sitting next to an inconsiderate asshole parent who sits there and explains the whole movie in a stage whisper to a three-year-old that should be at home in bed anyway and ends up getting scared 10 seconds into it and cries for half the movie. If I am ever that parent, I hope somebody slaps me.

Anyway, Vinu and I had pretty much the exact opposite reaction to the movie. It’s frustrating when you go see a movie with someone and have different opinions about it. I don’t want to justify liking a movie and it’s hard to bitch about how awful a movie was if the person you saw it with loved it. So the car ride home was pretty quiet.

The one thing we could both agree on, however, was that it is disturbing to see Daniel Radcliff entirely naked in the posters for that play he is doing in London. I don’t know what is more disturbing, that he’s naked, or that I think he looks pretty darn good.

I bet Harry’s getting more ass than a toilet seat in an Indian restaurant.

Slut-O-Rama

I am going out with my new gentlemen friend for the first time tonight. And no, I am not talking about the guy in the wheel chair or the high school dropout - not even for better blog fodder could I convince myself to contact either one of them. Although I did post a new picture and it made a world of difference.

Anyway, I was thinking about this last night and I realized that I don’t think I have ever gone on a first date before. I don’t think it counts as a ‘date’ when you go home with someone from a bar, even if you end up with that person for awhile. And everyone else I’ve ever dated I’ve already known. It’s like I am the 40-year old virgin, except I’m under 30 and we’ve already established that I’m a tad slutty…

You J-e-a-l-o-u-s!

Live Earth = fucking awesome. I hardly had to work at all and our seats were awesome! I was actually really impressed with some artists that I wasn’t even excited to see. Like Alicia Keys. She was unbelievable and really revved the crowd up, which was totally needed after Melissa Etheridge went off on a twenty minute rant about the war and how young people today just don’t protest shit enough. Thanks for staying on point there, Melissa!

Plus, people from the Daily Show were there, so I got to meet Aasif Mandvi! That’s right bitches, you wish you were me!

And, yes, alright, there were a few very non-environmentally friendly aspects of the show, but the point is they tried. I mean the beer cups were made out of corn people – that is definitely a step in the right direction!

And there were a shit ton of famous people introducing the artists, like Kevin Bacon, Zach Braff, and Jane Goodall.

Basically, it was all around one of the best concerts I’ve ever been too. And we didn’t hit any traffic and I didn’t get sunburned and our seats were great and I was getting paid to be there. All in all, I’d say that’s not a bad weekend.

Warning: Lame Monday Post Ahead

At some point in the last four days, I somehow managed to lose my planner and now I don’t know which end is up. Sure, I have my Outlook calendar to look at, but it’s not even close to the same. I put notes in my planner, and phone numbers, and reminders about everything. I can’t do that on my computer calendar! I mean, physically I can, but I’m really only on my computer at work and I sure as hell am not lugging it around with me everywhere I go. Plus our schedules are all public at work and I really don’t want my boss to see when I am going to the lady doctor. And I am pretty sure if she saw the day I scheduled in a sick day she won’t approve…

I know my planner is around, I just seem to have misplaced it. It probably got sucked into the vortex of shit that has been swirling around my car since I drove up to Becca’s wedding a little over a week ago. I have just had zero motivation to clean anything the past two weeks.

In other news, God has once again decided to smite me. Live Earth is six days away now and I am starting to get sick. My throat is dry and my nose is a little stuffy. I am drinking about 27 gallons of water a day and taking Emergen-C, so hopefully I will be able to thwart this damn cold, but my roommate has been sick forever, so I might not escape it. Who the hell gets sick in the summer?!

Big Time Backfire, the story of my life...

So, I put up a profile on Match.com since it’s free and normally it’s a huge ego boost.

Well not this time!

I shit you not, the only two people that have ‘winked’ at me are some guy in a wheel chair and someone who thinks ‘Cheers’ was the best show ever made and makes less than $25,000 a year. I know that money shouldn’t be a huge factor, but I am busting my ass at two jobs so that I can afford to go out and do fun things and I sure as shit am not about to spend my hard earned money on some guy that doesn’t understand the difference between no and know. Not to mention that $25,000 a year in the DC area doesn’t get you anywhere! This guy has got to be living with about 12 other people in a two bedroom apartment in Southeast. I mean, he probably just wants me for my Corolla.

And I hate to admit it, but I don’t think I could deal with dating someone in a wheel chair. Don’t judge me! I’m sure there are plenty of other reasons why I’ll see all of you in hell! Think about all the logistics of everything from driving to intimacy. I mean, if I was with someone and they became wheel chair bound, I like to think I wouldn’t leave them, but I don’t think I’d initiate something with a guy in a wheelchair that doesn’t even match all my compatibility points on Match.com! And come on, the first person trying to contact me was a guy in a wheelchair?! Who else would that happen to?

Granted, I don’t have any pictures handy so I used my awful work id picture, but it’s not that bad! I mean, I’ve seen worse. It’s just so fitting that something I would do solely for an ego boost would completely backfire on me. I’ll stick to slutting it up at happy hour, thank you very much, which conveniently is tonight! Yay happy hour!!

Live From New York!

I know that I complain about my job quite often, but sometimes the stars align and I get an amazing opportunity that almost makes up for living only marginally above the poverty line.

For example, I just found out that I am going to the Live Earth concert in New York in two weeks. THAT’S RIGHT, FOLKS! I am going to Live Earth. If you don’t know what Live Earth is, boy, are you dumb. Turn on a tv or open a paper and get with it! Live Earth is Al Gore’s concert series. Shows are simultaneously going on in New York, England, Australia, Brazil, Japan, China, Germany, Turkey, and South Africa.
The New York lineup includes:
Ludacris
Bon Jovi
Kanye West
Fall Out Boy
The Police
Dave Matthews
Akon
Alicia Keys and some other artists I don’t really care about.

And not only am I going to Live Earth, my job while I am there is to blog about it! That’s right, I said it. I am getting paid to go drink and blog at one of the most awesomest concerts ever. Don’t hate, bitches!

And news of this assignment came right on the heels of a presentation I had to give the VP of my department and when I was done he said I was ‘facile’, that I had ‘a great affect’, and that I should ‘be giving all our departments presentations’. Call me crazy, but that sounds like pretty good feedback to me! I’m hoping that perhaps the trickle down effect will be that I actually get a little more responsibility now. ‘Cause that might actually be enough to get me to stick around for a few more months…

Dustin lives in Milwaukee?! Fuck!

I got home from work on Sunday night and found myself wide awake with nothing to do, so I settled in for a night camped out on the couch watching shitty celebreality. And I wasn’t disappointed. VH1 was showing the finale of Celebrity Fit Club and one of the ‘stars’ of the show is Saved By the Bell alum Dustin Diamond. What a complete dickwad. And to top off all his annoying, whiney behavior, they mentioned that he has moved to Milwaukee of all places! I am so pissed at that! Like we don’t have enough to overcome with Milwaukeeans like Jeffrey Dahmer and Laverne and Shirley? Seriously Dustin, you had to choose Milwaukee of all places? You couldn’t go to Cleveland or Omaha?

I realize I no longer live in Milwaukee, but that doesn’t mean I don’t still consider it home. And I’ve been thinking about going back a lot in the past few months, but I think I would literally vomit if I ever ran into Dustin. And I cannot fathom how anyone could shell out any money to see a Dustin Diamond sex tape. PUKE! I don’t care if he makes Tommy Lee look like a prepubescent Indian, I would never, ever, ever want to see him naked.

I cannot think of a worse B-list celebrity, but I feel like I must be overlooking someone. So, what can you come up with, my loyal six readers?

TAG! You're it!!

I feel so special. I finally got tagged! I can now say that I have officially made it! Yay for me!

INSTRUCTIONS: Remove the blog in the top spot from the following list and bump everyone up one place. Then add your blog to the bottom slot, like so.
1) What Greg Likes
2) A Blog of a Good Time
3) Classy
4) 5 of 9er/Meaning of Loaf (That right – I got DOUBLE TAGGED!!)
5) Capital Cities Whinemonger

Select five people to tag:
Valtrex
Dwight
Chuck Daddy
T-Gold
Jesse (Who is the most likely to not do this? This guy!)

What were you doing 10 years ago?
I had just graduated from high school and was getting ready to head off to Chicago for college. So, basically I was drinking a lot and hanging out with my best friend, Angie, pretty much every day.

What were you doing 1 year ago?
I had just moved to the DC area and was starting my super awesome job. Holy shit, what a difference a year makes.

Five snacks you enjoy:
1) Smartfood Popcorn
2) Ice Cream
3) Cow Tales
4) Pixy Stix
5) Cheese

Five songs that you know all the lyrics to:
1) "Gimmie that Nut” by Eazy E
2) "My Name is Jonas” by Weezer
3) "November Rain” by Guns N’Roses
4) “We Didn’t Start the Fire” by Billy Joel
5) “Greatest Love of All” by Whitney Houston

Five things you would do if you were a millionaire:
1) Quit my job!!!
2) Pay off debt
3) Buy a house
4) Go back to school for photography
5) Go on a LOTR’s tour

Five bad habits:
1) Eating even after I am full (Hence the chubby)
2) Smoking after even one beer
3) Driving just to drive
4) Gossiping
5) Lying

Five things you like doing:
1) Watching trashy tv
2) Having sex (yes, it comes in second)
3) Eating ice cream
4) Riding a bike
5) Reading

Five things you would never wear again:
1) Jeans tucked and rolled at the bottom
2) Jelly shoes
3) Electic blue eyeshadow (unless it’s for a costume party)
4) Blue hair
5) Frosted denim

Five favorite toys:
1) Mario Kart
2) Legos
3) The game of Life
4) Oregon Trail
5) Pogo Ball

What kind of bees make milk? BOOBIES!!

Without a crazy ass roommate or any stupid ex-boyfriend drama (although it would be nice if he stopped calling me drunk or hung-over) it’s hard to come up with witty and interesting blog posts. I mean, there are only so many times I can write about my shitty job before people stop reading. Even you, my loyal six readers. So, here is the topic I’ve come up with for today: Breasts.

Specifically, my breasts. I have decided to have them done. Sorry boys, but I’ve decided to downsize. I cannot understand why anyone would choose to have big boobs. They suck. It’s harder to find clothes that fit, and the ones that do make me look either frumpy or slutty. And believe it or not, I don’t always want to look like a skank. Only on weekends and the occasional casual Friday. It’s also harder to run. And most annoyingly, they get in the way when I am trying to sleep.

Anyway, even with insurance covering most of the costs I am not going to be able to afford the rest until sometime next spring, which means I have plenty of time to think about what size I want to go down to. It’s going to be either a B or a C. Right now it’s a toss up though. C seems to be the ideal cup size, but I’ve always envied small, perky breasts and it would be amazing to be able to wake up and get out of bed without having to worry about a bra all the time. But I don’t really have a grasp on what different sized boobs look like. So I have been finding myself staring at women’s chests a lot more lately. It’s not like I have never noticed someone else’s boobs before, but it’s never really been a habit to study them. I’m sure some of the women on the Metro must think I am a pervy lesbian, but I think research is important here. I mean, this is not buying a sweater. And some days I think, ‘Wow, her boobs are perfect.’ Then other days I am drawn to a completely different size. So I have this conundrum now and I am asking you, six readers, what would you do if you were in my shoes? Or in my bra as the case may be…

Break It Down

Summer is officially here now and you all know what that means – it’s time for So You Think You Can Dance on Fox! I am totally addicted. I think it is because I can not dance at all. Not a lick. And it frustrates me because I have rhythm. I mean, I play the piano (poorly) and the violin pretty well. I can read music. I can awkwardly shake my chucky booty on a dance floor, but it looks so…bad. The ability to look graceful while moving was not something I was born with, nor do I ever see myself morphing into a ballerina.

My favorites on the show are always the break dancers. I tried to learn the running man in middle school and that was a big flop. Hell, I couldn’t even do the moonwalk when I was younger. This year, I have my eye on Hok, the Japanese guy raised in England. He was shafted last year – SHAFTED I tell you. The show doesn’t like break dancers though, so I am only going to give him 3 or 4 weeks until he gets the boot.

Last year, I was super excited when Benji won. He didn’t look like a traditional dancer, which is why I think I liked him so much. He gave me hope. Anyway, make fun of me if you want, but this is the only show I that is getting added to my TiVo list this summer. And if you have a problem with that – you suck.

File Under: WTF?!

Yesterday at work, I was wasting time like I normally do, and I came across this news story. Now, I may not be a rocket scientist, but I am a genius (note to self: mail in annual Mensa dues) and this story just boggles my mind. How the hell does one end up in this predicament? Conceivably, I can see how the truck driver could miss someone right in front of his truck. I mean, have you ever been in one of those things? They are ginormous. But the odds of someone wheeling by and getting jammed into the front grill facing forward and in just the right angle so that he doesn’t tip over and get sucked under the wheels? That has got to be one hell of a coincidence. Seriously, that guy should go buy a lottery ticket. And can you imagine what it would feel like to be sitting there while the engine revs up and slowly starts to pull away? I know I would have crapped my pants.

Sad, Sad, Day

Well, six readers, I am officially blue.

Today was a very sad day. Today is the day that I realized my dream will never come true. Today was the last taping of the Price is Right. And now I will never be able to see it. Sure, I can go to the crappy Vegas live show, but without my good friend, Bob, what’s the point?

Oh, Bob, why didn’t you ever do a road show like Wheel of Fortune? Milwaukee wasn’t fancy enough for you? Well, not all of us can afford to jet off to LA to be in your live studio audience, Bob. Did you ever think of us? Huh? Did ya? Obviously not. And now we will never get to experience Plinko, or Beat the Clock, or my personal favorite, Hole in One (OR TWO).

I also liked Cliff Hanger a lot because sometimes you’d get a real moron playing that one and that always made for a good time.

But the show has been ripped from all of us now and there is nothing any of us can do about it because apparently Bob decided to be a selfish asshole and think about only himself.

I’m sorry, Bob. I didn’t mean it. Please come back, Bob. I promise I will be good. Please? Please, come back?

Sunday Morning Wake-up

I really hate waking up with a hangover. But sometimes it's worth it. And I do love getting up and making a greasy breakfast and sitting on the couch watching CBS Sunday Morning News. I grew up watching CBS on Sunday mornings, probably the only time we would watch that network. Luckily, my roommate also loves the show, so it's become a tradition in my household.

My hangover this week stems from an attempt to enjoy Pirates. I was told the only way to like the movie is to get drunk before hand, so I took the advice to heart. It worked. The scenes where Johnny Depp is in Davy's locker are awesome. I absolutely love that man. And getting drunk in a movie theatre is completely under-rated. I think I need to start seeing all movies in a state of utter intoxication.

I need to find more Advil...

I couldn't have thought of a better metaphor...

Thank you, Miss USA, for making the stupidest thing on televison worth while.

I'm a musical idiot savant!

I fully admit that I do not know much about music. My friend Nick, he knows music. But me, I listen to Top 40 and the best of the 80’s. My first concert was Bon Jovi and I have seen Green Day three times. I am not exactly in the know. The closest I’ve come to liking someone before they were mainstream was when I bought a Brandi Carlile album a year ago. (About 4 months before she was featured on Grey’s Anatomy - I know, it's scary how much ahead of the game I was on that one!) The last time I actually got to introduce someone to new music was when I came home for winter break freshman year of college and got to introduce my best friend to Tricky’s Maxinquaye album.

So it’s well established that I am not a music connoisseur.

One of the ‘classics’ I never heard before and had the wonderful opportunity to listen to this weekend was Warren Zevon’s breakout from 1978, Excitable Boy. It has a catchy tune you feel like tapping your feet to and then this verse comes along:

“He took little Susie to the Junior Prom

Excitable boy, they all said

and he raped her and killed her, then he took her home

Excitable boy, they all said

Well, he's just an excitable boy

After ten long years they let him out of the Home

Excitable boy, they all said

And he dug up her grave and built a cage with her bones

Excitable boy, they all said

Well, he's just an excitable boy”

Um, what?

I thought at first that maybe this song was like Polly and was a commentary on some real life event, but no. Apparently Warren was just a freak. And songs like that explain why I am never going to be a music critic. I.don’t.get.it. I am sure there is some deep meaning behind this song that is a commentary on Larry Flint getting shot or Pope Paul VI dying, but its way above my head. And I soooo don't want to figure it out.

Fake N'Bake My Ass!

Fake and bake was such a disappointment. I am not orange. And I am certainly not tan. I look exactly the same as before. The.Same. What a waste of $25!

Pint and I are off to Bean town (yes, I did just call it that) in about 12 hours and I still have to do wash before I can pack. I really hate doing my wash. I think that a glass (or four) of wine will make my night so much better! That, and Christina bitch slapping Meredith right before she runs out of the church and leaves Burke alone at the alter, but I doubt that will happen. We’ll see…

Fake N' Bake

I am going to a wedding next month and I really don’t have the time or inclination to tan before hand, but it’s also pretty much a necessity considering how scary white I am, so I have decided to give spray tanning a try. I am doing a test run this week. I am pretty sure the end result of this experiment is going to be a very orange Kadonkadonk for a few days but I’ll never know until I try, right?



I have decided that none of my other friends can get married anytime soon. Weddings are expensive. If I ever decided to get married, I am SO going to elope in Vegas. I figure that will be the only time in my life I’ll splurge on a suite in the Luxor, and I’ve wanted to do that for awhile now. Of course, if I find myself a good sugar daddy that will take me to Vegas and let me blow his money on a regular basis so I can scratch that off my list, I don’t know what I’ll do. But I’m not going to worry about that until I meet a hot, old, rich man that’s totally in to chubby, half-albino girls.

It'ssss sssnake day, apparently...

Holy crap, I just ran into this black rat snake too! I'd say he's about 6 feet. He's basically a sitting duck right now because he's getting ready to molt, so he's not hunting or anything. (You can tell by the whitish/blue hue in his eyes.) These black snakes are harmless to humans; they eat bird eggs and small rodents. He was out sitting in a sunny spot probably trying to warm up. We also have breeding red shouldered hawks on our property and if they see this guy, he could be a goner!

So, I obviously brought in a camera today. It's not mine though. I really need to invest in a digital camera!!

Sssss-cary? Not really.

This morning, I ran into this poor guy just outside of work. It looks like a crow or some other bird tried to get him. Copperheads are not aggressive and rely on camouflage for protection against everything from humans to hawks. He’s lucky it wasn’t my roommate that spotted him, because she told me this horrific story about how her mom found a harmless black snake in their house and she dragged it outside and beat it to death! (Hmm, is it ‘dragged’ or ‘drug’ it outside? Sometimes I hate grammar.) It was one of the few times my roommate and I have not seen eye-to-eye on something. She thought her mother's reaction made perfect sense. I, on the other hand, was appalled. I get hunting. But beating a defenseless animal to death is so disturbing to me that I will never be able to look at her mother the same way. And it’s also why I don’t watch those awful shows on Animal Planet about animal police men and women. I would last all of one day in that job before I would be behind bars for murder.

Mill-e-wah-que, which is Algonquin for 'the good land'

I’m slaving away over a job application for a position in, of all places, Milwaukee, and I can’t for the life of me figure out why. Do I want to move back to Milwaukee? No. Of all the places I’ve lived, Milwaukee is by far the lamest. And other than my parents, there is nothing for me there. I have all of two friends from high school that I sort of still talk to (ie - we email each other about once a month), but other than that I don’t really know anyone there anymore. And there is definitely not as much to do in Milwaukee as there is in Juneau, or even DC for that matter. But this job sounds pretty cool, and it pays more than I am making in DC right now. And making more money where the cost of living is a lot lower would be awesome. I would be able to afford a place of my own downtown, which could be cool. I wouldn’t need a second job, which I technically don’t need in DC either, but it definitely makes the fun things more affordable. I could get experience in a city I am familiar with and stick around until I've put in enough time to move out west and actual be able to afford it. On the other hand, I would have to break my lease here and I don’t know if I could do that to my roommates.

I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to just be satisfied in a job. My job right now is dull, but it’s not bad. I work with good people. And it’s not like the work is at all difficult. It’s weird, it’s like I hit a wall at some point and I get restless and I have to move on. I know I can handle more responsibility in a job, but why can’t I just be patient where I’m at? Eventually I’ll be given a chance to move up the ladder here. I think part of the reason I want out right now is because of how expensive this city is. Once you’ve been to all the museums, there’s a ton of cool shit to do but it’s expensive as hell. So being around cool shit, but not being able to afford to do any of it, well, it gets old real fast. Plus the summers here suck. I hate the heat. I mean, for Pete’s sake, I grew up in Wisconsin and moved to Alaska. I am a cold weather gal. Living in a drained swamp is not something that I am willing or able to do forever. Plus, politics get boring. So, I’ve been thinking about this for awhile now and even though I have met some really cool people here, I think it’s about that time to start looking for something new, whether this job in Milwaukee pans out or not.

I believe Tom Petty put it best:

“It's time to move on, time to get going

What lies ahead, I have no way of knowing

But under my feet, baby, grass is growing

It's time to move on, it's time to get going”