Wednesday, December 29, 2010
In the afternoon I went to another friend’s house where it has become a custom for all us Christmas orphans to congregate around a gigantic pot of gumbo and watch movies. A few inches of snow, a few great friends, a ton of great food – without my family around, it was about as good as it could have been.
I am nervous about leaving my job. I have basically accepted an internship position that will only last for the next four months. I am not sure what I will do after that yet. It’s a bit unsettling. My former boss didn’t even bother to say goodbye, but I had other coworkers that took me out to lunch and out for a drink and they told me how much they’d miss me and that made my last few days a little less scary.
I have friends in Alaska and Wisconsin that have offered me a place to stay if I ever need it and I have been given a heads up on countless jobs, whether they are a good fit or not. But it makes me happy to know that there are people out there that are watching out for me. I've pretty much decided not to look at jobs up here anymore. If a great job falls in my lap, that would be wonderful, but otherwise I am on the May 24 ferry out of town, which coincidentally will be exactly three years to the day after I moved back. Juneau has a weird way of getting under your skin. But I am getting really sick of cross-country moves, so I have a feeling that if I do leave, I will only be back for visits. The thought of leaving the amazing people that have basically become my family terrifies me. But who knows what tomorrow will bring? All I am focusing on right now is how amazing my support system is and I know that no matter where I end up, there are people in my corner and that is enough right now.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Trips out of Alaska: 2
Beeramids made: 2
Christmas cards mailed: 20
Sexual partners: 2
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Sunset at Mendenhall Lake. I am still not used to skating/skiing/walking on frozen bodies of water but I'm glad I sucked it up and went out!
Friday, December 17, 2010
Next week is going to suck. I am training for a new job that I am not excited about, and I still have to clean up some stuff at my old job. And now that all my disposable income is gone, I can't go out to eat or drink to try to take my mind off of how miserable my life has become. So, four readers, keep your fingers crossed for me. The odds of me getting this last job are slim to none, but I guess nothing is impossible, right?
Monday, December 13, 2010
Anyway, I don’t actually have to worry about COBRA because I accepted a job offer. You read that right - I have to stop bitching about being laid off now. But don’t you worry, four readers, because I know you only come here to read my venting. Now you will get to hear all about a new job that I’m not really excited about. It’s a pretty significant pay cut, but it is waaaay better than having to ask my parents for help. I don’t really know what I’ll be doing yet so I am not being vague on purpose.
It’s obviously a huge relief to have something figured and I am trying not to think too far beyond that. I feel a little bit guilty because I am pretty sure that I am still going to move back home next fall, so I am taking this job knowing full well that I won’t be there very long. But that is thinking way down the road, which is exactly what I am trying not to do. Besides, knowing me I will have about 50 different plans before the Superbowl, so holding on to one plan all the way until next fall is about as likely as the Lions winning the Superbowl this year. (And I don't want to see any gd comments about the Lions beating the Packers yesterday. I didn't say the Packers were going to win either so just shut it.)
Thursday, December 09, 2010
Wednesday, December 08, 2010
Monday, November 22, 2010
But I feel like I am getting close to my breaking point. I went out on Saturday night and was nice as pie to random strangers and those friends you have that you only see every once in awhile. The people that never call you if they are in trouble. The ones you don't expect anything from. But I was definitely bordering on bitch with my close friends. I don't want to be that person. I feel like things aren't really that bad for me, but I can't shake this funk I'm in. And I hate that. Normally I overreact initally but then get over things pretty fast. Not having a game plan is messing that all up.
I had a gift certificate for a local hotel this weekend and last night I just sat in the hotel room to be alone. I didn't watch tv or read. I literally just sat there looking out the window being alone. And I didn't think about anything or anyone. And it was fantastic.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Friday, November 12, 2010
We texted a back and forth all evening, which is what we have been doing for weeks. I fully admit that I was a bit tipsy but at this point I wanted to either get the ball rolling or figure out now if this whole thing wasn't going to go anywhere. Let me just say that I have no idea where I am going to be six months from now and I am not looking for anything serious. But this guy got divorced this past summer so I assumed that he couldn't really be looking for a huge commitment either. We met for a drink, had mediocre conversation and fooled around a bit. No big deal, right?
Fast forward to the next day. I get a facebook message that says I am "cool" but he feels like I am using him and it feels like a one night stand and this "relationship" is something we will both end up regretting. Um, seriously? Know what makes it feel like a one night stand? You ending it after one night, that's what. And you know what I regret, douchebag? I regret not getting off at all when you seemed pretty damn happy by the time I got out of your stupid Volkswagen. I regret the fact that I picked the one prude in Juneau when for the first time in a really long time I was not looking for anything more than a booty call. Seriously, why do I always pick the losers?
Friday, November 05, 2010
Also, my dog is starting to slow down. Unless you know me you don’t realize how much that is impacting all of my decisions. I have been trying to ignore that fact that she is having more trouble with the stairs and her back legs are starting to give out more often, but there is only so much longer I can deny what I am seeing. I hate, hate, hate that she is old. I hate that she doesn’t want to cuddle with me more. I feel like Lennie from Of Mice and Men, I just want to keep petting her all day. I pray every night that when the time comes she will just die in her sleep because I am not sure I am strong enough to let her go when her time comes.
So, that is what I have been thinking about these days. I have not really been thinking about the fact that I have a date tonight. I thought it would be a good distraction, but I have to admit I have not put much thought into it other than to acknowledge that I have to be ready to go around 7ish. I have absolutely nothing in common with this guy. Honestly, I just thought he would be a good winter pastime. And if that makes me slutty, good. I’ve been a prude for way too long.
This blog, like my life right now, is pretty disjointed. But sometimes it just feels good to write.
Monday, November 01, 2010
Friday, October 29, 2010
9:07 a.m. - Go in for a ‘quick meeting’ and end up getting laid off. It was such a surprise to me that I didn’t cry or yell, which in hindsight is a good thing.
10:48 a.m. – Surprise! My boss sends out an all staff email letting everyone know. I really appreciated the whooping 101 minutes they gave me to absorb what was going on and let me process it.
Noonish – Decided I didn’t need to be at work anymore that day.
1:37 p.m. – Cried when I told my mom what happened.
3:02 p.m. – Read about 500 pages of The Help by Kathryn Stockett, which is really good.
5ish – Went for a 3-mile run. Not my fastest time ever, but it felt good.
7ish – Went out for a burger/MNF.
10:15 p.m. – My friend, Jorge, is in a hockey league and had a late game. I decided to go watch. He took a weird hit from the puck and fractured his foot, which took my mind off my day for about 30 minutes.
Slept until almost 10 a.m. Went out and bought a pack of cigarettes, a fifth of rum and a Papa Murphy’s pizza. Finished off all three. Got drunk enough to send this text message:
I know we haven’t really clicked, but it’s winter in Juneau so if you ever want to get together and just make out or whatever, let me know.
It totally worked.
Hungover and facing a trip to my office to box shit up, I have one of the vicodin Jorge got for his foot. I can see why Brett Pervre, er Favre, was addicted to that shit. It’s amazing.
At some point in the day, I decide that Corn Nuts and Halloween candy are the way to go and eat nothing else all day. By the second commercial break during Grey’s Anatomy I have abused myself so completely that I throw up.
Wake up late, throw some shit in a bag and get to the airport just in time to board my flight to DC for the Rally! I think it is interested to note that my former employers sent out an email to all employees saying that they were forbidden to attend the Rally. What a bunch of douchebags. Thank God I am no longer working for them!
Update: Goddamnit motherfucking assmuching cocksucking sonofabitch! I knew this was going to happen. The piece of shit weather in Juneau sucks today and my flight was cancelled and I am not going to make the rally because I live in the shittiest fucking place on the planet. I cannot wait to get the fuck out of Juneau. New plan for the day: took a vicodin, ate some jalapeno poppers, bought enough rum, vodka and beer to supply an army and if I can remember my name by the end of the day then my whole life has lost it's meaning.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Once again, I am starting off easy. Former Chicago Bears quarterback and current major Broncos disappointment Kyle Orton. I'm sure you know where I am going with this one. That's right, he's a dead ringer for Foo Fighters/Nirvana Dave Grohl.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
On the plus side, since I am not quitting, I get unemployment. The down side of that is that unemployment benefits suck and will not cover my monthly expenses even after I have cancelled my gym membership, my farm share, my Internet connection and my Netflix account. I'll still be short $96/month and that is assuming I never spend money on any form of entertainment. Thank God I don't have a kid to support.
I wasn't planning on starting off my week by becoming a statistic.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Rally of the day: Only a week until I’m DC bound and I can.not.wait!!! I think Obama is going to be there. I still don’t have a sign idea. Too bad nobody reads this blog anymore to help me out...
Advice of the day: Don’t bring up someone else’s weight loss. Seriously, it’s none of your business. Would you go up to someone and tell them they look like they’ve gained weight? No. I’m sure you think it’s a compliment, but not everyone is going to take it that way. “Wow! You look fantastic, how much weight have you lost?!” Seriously? Fuck you. Now, not only do I feel like I looked like shit before but I also feel like I was as big as a house. I haven’t even lost enough weight to warrant a new pair of pants and you are making such a big ass deal out of 15 pounds that you’d think I just won the Biggest Loser. Shut up.
Oh yeah of the day: My roommate is gone for a few months and she was either going to move out or she needed to get someone to sublet. I didn’t want to lose her as a roommate so for the next four weeks I am living with a guy who is in town from Anchorage. I forgot how much easier it is to live with a boy. It has been a long time since I lived with a guy and I don’t mean to stereotype because I am sure there are exceptions, but it seems like they are in general more chill than females. I have absolutely nothing against my roommate - I’m looking forward to having her come back. But this guy is pretty awesome.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Friday, October 15, 2010
The weather has been really crappy for weeks now, which is making me realize that I am cutting it really close to get to DC in time for the rally. One plane delay and I could miss the whole thing. I am slightly stressing out about my poor planning.
Recently, I have been shedding way more hair than normal. There is no male or female baldness in my family and I just went to the doctor and I know I don’t have any thyroid issues. (Side note: I also learned that I have, and I quote, “Great cholesterol.”) I am stressing out more than just a little because I don’t have much hair to begin with and I will seriously freak the fuck out if I am going bald. I can’t think of what else could be causing my hair to fall out at such an alarming rate. Every test they did came back normal. And most disturbing of all is the fact that when I google hair loss, there is nothing that can really be done about it. I look stupid in hats. I cannot be a baldie.
I have a super secret job interview! Okay, it’s not really a secret, but I am not telling anyone about it because I am never going to get the job. (Hint: I would be way more likely to be hired for this particular job if I looked more like Jenn Sterger.)
Monday is Alaska Day, which means I have a 3-day weekend. So do state employees. It’s nice living somewhere that just randomly throws in extra paid holidays. (Yes plural, I also get Seward’s Day off.) I will miss that when I am back down south.
Wednesday, October 06, 2010
Ok, I did something huge today. I do not have a new job lined up. I don’t have a clue what I am going to do next year. Grad school, move back to Wisconsin without a job, move back with a job, stay in Alaska - who knows?? But I DO know that I cannot stay at my current job. My friend and former blogger, Jorge, can’t understand why I complain about a job that pays me to do nothing. I think he’d last six months tops sitting around sucking at his job every day. No one wants to feel useless at work.
Anyway, I have been complaining about this for awhile and today I got offered a job in Wisconsin. A job I don’t particularly want. A job that would not be a step up or pay anymore than what I make now. A job that would keep me chained to a desk for another few years while I slowly lose interest and look for something ‘better’. I did not accept the job offer.
But I did put in my notice at work.
I know I should be freaking out right now. I basically quit my job - even though I gave plenty of notice and will stick around until the end of the year. I should really be freaking out though. I have no idea what I am going to do next. The economy sucks and I’ve been looking for a job without any success for months. I’m crazy to be quitting a job that gives me health insurance and doesn’t care if I don’t show up until 10 am.
But the only emotion I can drum up right now is relief. I am FINALLY doing something about being unhappy. Yes, maybe I will regret it in March when I have to resort to asking my parents for a loan, but I just have a feeling this is the right thing to do. It’s exciting not knowing what’s in store for the future. Sure, it’s a little nerve-racking but honestly, it’s about time.
Tuesday, October 05, 2010
TODAY...RAIN. VERY WINDY. HIGHS AROUND 51. SOUTHEAST WIND
20 TO 30 MPH WITH GUSTS UP TO 55 MPH.”
Let’s see, rain? Yes. Power outage? Check. Wind? Small craft advisory? You got it. Yep, it’s officially fall. In Wisconsin, you get crisp, clear nights and crunchy leaves to walk through and apple picking. In Juneau, you get cold and wet. Why did I think it would be a good idea to wait until next spring to get out of here again?
Monday, October 04, 2010
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Friday, September 24, 2010
It has been really hard for me to get back into the swing of things after my vacation. The days are getting shorter and winter is looming. Once again, I am determined to make the best of winter this year and I'm hoping to get better at skiing, blah, blah, blah. But it is not my favorite time of year so even if I hadn’t just gotten back from a fabulous vacation, I’d probably be a bit depressed.
While I was home, I subjected myself to a blind date. Anyone who knows me knows that I don't date much. In the last two years, I have forced myself to go out with exactly two guys. And I knew going into those dates that I wasn't really interested, but it gets lonely not being in a relationship and you get to the point where you tell yourself that anyone is better than being alone. Then you go out with someone you have no interest in and you decide being alone isn't so bad. I haven't had a spark with anyone since I dated the guy who pretty much broke my heart way back when I still lived in Wisconsin. Honestly, I think I'd forgotten that there even could be a spark. But I started talking to Blind Date Guy about a week before I went home. He seemed like a nice guy. We seemed to have a similar sense of humor. I would go so far as to say that I was actually cautiously optimistic about meeting him. Anyway, in person, we clicked. And now I miss him even though I'm sure it only worked because I was only in town for a few weeks. But it reminded me of what dating can be like. And it made coming back to Juneau that much harder.
I don't know where to even begin meeting someone here. I don't want to meet someone in a bar. I feel like I am always trying to stay busy and try new things, but I never meet any eligible guys. I've tried art classes and I joined a trap team and a book club and a pool (billiards) league. Nothing. I know a pity party doesn't help matters any, but that's about all I've been able to manage this week.
The other thing that was hard to come back to was my job. I have not been happy with my job for awhile now and getting a break made me realize that I really need to do something. I can't sit at a desk in a dead end job for the rest of my life. I have no room to grow and I simply don't like what I am doing right now. I have been talking about doing something different for years, but it's so easy to get complacent. I love Juneau and I love my friends here, but every week is the exact same thing. There is no where for me to go in my job and there are no other jobs in town. I've been looking for over a year now and I know that if I stay here, I am going to do mindless office work for the rest of my life.
My whole point is that I am thinking about leaving Juneau whether I find a job back home or not. I’m toying with the idea of applying for jobs that I never would have considered in the past. Like retail. Store managers at Target or REI or whatever make bank after a few years. And you aren’t chained to a desk all day - you are constantly on the move. I’m sure I’d get sick of that some days, but I’d rather be busy than sitting around with nothing to do. I also started a grad school application. If I don’t find a job, next fall I just might go back to school.
I make plans and then change them ALL the time, but this decision just feels right, you know? Moving back to Wisconsin next year for a job or for school just seems like what I should be doing right now. There are a lot of variables and I know my plans could change but for now, just having a plan is enough. It's far enough in the future that it gives me time to wrap my head around leaving Alaska again. So I can make sure that I do everything I want to do while I am here. It also makes the thought of spending yet another winter here and another holiday away from my family more tolerable. And it gives me time to accept the fact that I am going to have to pack up all my shit for another cross country move. Moving blows.
I guess I have always in the back of my mind considered Alaska a temporary stop. Leaving Juneau the first time around was hard. This time won't be any different. All my friends are here. It is easily the most beautiful place I have ever lived. But when I think about what I want to be doing with my life, it's not playing bejeweled all day at a desk. When I think about my sister having kids, I know that I don't want to be the aunt that lives 3,000 miles away and only sees nieces or nephews once a year.
Basically, I want to put a spark back in my life. My whole life. And this is the first time in a long time that I have been even remotely excited about doing anything. Now I just have to figure out how I am going to get through one last winter here.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Wednesday, September 08, 2010
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Friday, August 20, 2010
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Monday, August 02, 2010
The plus side of this dog sit is their DVD collection. We have the same taste in books and movies, which I am basing solely on the fact that they have a bunch of Guy Gavriel Kay books and all of Battlestar Galactica. If I have to be stuck inside hovering over a pair of decrepit pugs, at least I can have The West Wing on in the background.
Friday, July 30, 2010
Instead of giving my sister nightmares for the rest of her life, we’re just having a good old-fashioned scavenger hunt. I’m sure there will be some debate over who ‘won’. I just want my sister to have a good time. I don’t see how she could possibly have a bad time wearing Princess Leia buns.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
BUT, everyone in Juneau is acting like an asshole today. I HATE driving downtown during the summer. Tourists are the dumbest pieces of shit sometimes. Note to my three readers: if you are ever on vacation try to keep in mind that people actually live there. No matter how beautiful the place may be, unless you are actually in Disneyland, it is not fucking Disney! Sidewalks are there for a reason, the street is not just a really wide wheelchair accessible walkway for you to mosey along at your own pace. Yes, some people may even drive there!
And there must be something in the water today because Juneau drivers were out in spades to compete for the title of biggest douche. I already know that most people born and raised in Juneau can’t drive worth shit. (My theory is that people who live in rural areas never learn how to drive.) Downtown Juneau is teeming with one way streets, no left turn intersections and dead ends. Today, everywhere I went some asshole was going the wrong way down a one way, illegally parked blocking the entire fucking street or blowing through a stop sign like the extra three seconds you gain from that might actually matter. It’s Juneau, for fucks sake. There are 40 miles of road total and virtually nothing out passed mile 20. What’s the damn rush?
Tonight all I have to look forward to is going back to a dirty-ass housesit and cleaning up dog poop, which means I am going to stay in this bad mood for the foreseeable future. (Seriously, I am messy, but there is a big difference between messy and dirty and if I’d rather shower at the gym than at your house, it’s dirty, not messy. Also, who leaves a house sitter dirty dishes, a full trash can and piles of junk all over every available surface? I had to wash a plate for dinner. There are even stacks of stuff on the stove top. I had to move them to turn on the burner. And it wasn’t a potholder or something, it was Ziploc baggies and a phone book. Really?) Maybe tonight I’ll get more than 5 hours of sleep at least…
Friday, July 23, 2010
Thursday, July 22, 2010
And I wish I were dumber.
Everyone looked at me like I was crazy and as the conversation continued, it because clear that I was the only one that had ever thought that before. I know I am smart when I choose to be but I can be incredibly lazy. I’ve heard about my ‘potential’ my entire life. Sometimes I feel the weight of that wasted potential crashing down on me. I think about how if I had applied myself at all, I could have been a biologist or a CIA agent or an epidemiologist. I could have been making a difference. Instead, I spent yesterday watching Up at work. (Super adorable movie. I said I wouldn’t cry but was crying less than 12 minutes into it. Thank God I have my own office.)I don’t mean to sound conceited, but I am too damn smart to be wasting my life mailing out membership reminders and writing $5,000 grants. It just seems so daunting at this point to go back to school, especially since I have to pay for car repairs by dog sitting. I thought that by this point in my life I would have accomplished something. At least if I had an IQ of 75, I probably wouldn’t be aiming any higher.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
But now I have an apartment that I really like in my favorite part of town. House sitting has lost all of its appeal. Unfortunately, I still never have much money, so when I was offered $300 to watch two old pugs for 13 days, I didn’t say no. Hell, this dog sit is going to cover the cost of my new rotors. Well, it’s going to cover part of the cost anyway. Man, I love being a grown up!
Friday, July 16, 2010
Having very little to do at work in the summer, lately I've been watching instant movies on Netflix and Julie & Julia was one of my Netflix recommendations. Having "read" the book, and thinking it was only so-so, I didn’t really plan on watching the movie, but it just kind of happened. I think it’s a rare instance of the movie actually being better than the book. I am not a chef and the book was bogged down with cooking specifics, which I am sure some people absolutely loved, but it made it hard for me to get in to.
Because of obvious time constraints, the movie glossed over most of the actual cooking. And Amy Adams was able to make even Enchanted almost watchable. I ended up actually enjoying the movie. So of course, I had to look and see if Julie Powell had written anything else since J&J. She has. It’s called Cleaving: A story of marriage, meat, and obsession. After signing her book deal, Mrs. Powell had a two-year affair and became a butcher. Whoa. That’s pretty badass. And she had the balls to write about her affair. It almost makes me want to read her new book. Almost. Until I picture the epic mental struggle she writes about in excruciating detail. If she can churn out an entire chapter on a single piece of beef, imagine what she can do with the guilt of cheating on her ‘saintly’ husband. No, thank you.
However, after watching the movie and then reading a bit about Julia Child online I did get the itch to cook something. (And can I just say that I really think Julia Child and I would have been great friends. She sounds like a hoot. Yes, I said hoot. Deal with it.) So last night I made blackened halibut tacos with a yummy cabbage cole slaw thing. And they were good. Damn good, if I do say so. And I had fun making them. I also made soup last week and banana bread. I’m beginning to see what all the fuss is about.