Sparks

It has been really hard for me to get back into the swing of things after my vacation. The days are getting shorter and winter is looming. Once again, I am determined to make the best of winter this year and I'm hoping to get better at skiing, blah, blah, blah. But it is not my favorite time of year so even if I hadn’t just gotten back from a fabulous vacation, I’d probably be a bit depressed.

While I was home, I subjected myself to a blind date. Anyone who knows me knows that I don't date much. In the last two years, I have forced myself to go out with exactly two guys. And I knew going into those dates that I wasn't really interested, but it gets lonely not being in a relationship and you get to the point where you tell yourself that anyone is better than being alone. Then you go out with someone you have no interest in and you decide being alone isn't so bad. I haven't had a spark with anyone since I dated the guy who pretty much broke my heart way back when I still lived in Wisconsin. Honestly, I think I'd forgotten that there even could be a spark. But I started talking to Blind Date Guy about a week before I went home. He seemed like a nice guy. We seemed to have a similar sense of humor. I would go so far as to say that I was actually cautiously optimistic about meeting him. Anyway, in person, we clicked. And now I miss him even though I'm sure it only worked because I was only in town for a few weeks. But it reminded me of what dating can be like. And it made coming back to Juneau that much harder.

I don't know where to even begin meeting someone here. I don't want to meet someone in a bar. I feel like I am always trying to stay busy and try new things, but I never meet any eligible guys. I've tried art classes and I joined a trap team and a book club and a pool (billiards) league. Nothing. I know a pity party doesn't help matters any, but that's about all I've been able to manage this week.

The other thing that was hard to come back to was my job. I have not been happy with my job for awhile now and getting a break made me realize that I really need to do something. I can't sit at a desk in a dead end job for the rest of my life. I have no room to grow and I simply don't like what I am doing right now. I have been talking about doing something different for years, but it's so easy to get complacent. I love Juneau and I love my friends here, but every week is the exact same thing. There is no where for me to go in my job and there are no other jobs in town. I've been looking for over a year now and I know that if I stay here, I am going to do mindless office work for the rest of my life.

My whole point is that I am thinking about leaving Juneau whether I find a job back home or not. I’m toying with the idea of applying for jobs that I never would have considered in the past. Like retail. Store managers at Target or REI or whatever make bank after a few years. And you aren’t chained to a desk all day - you are constantly on the move. I’m sure I’d get sick of that some days, but I’d rather be busy than sitting around with nothing to do. I also started a grad school application. If I don’t find a job, next fall I just might go back to school.

I make plans and then change them ALL the time, but this decision just feels right, you know? Moving back to Wisconsin next year for a job or for school just seems like what I should be doing right now. There are a lot of variables and I know my plans could change but for now, just having a plan is enough. It's far enough in the future that it gives me time to wrap my head around leaving Alaska again. So I can make sure that I do everything I want to do while I am here. It also makes the thought of spending yet another winter here and another holiday away from my family more tolerable. And it gives me time to accept the fact that I am going to have to pack up all my shit for another cross country move. Moving blows.

I guess I have always in the back of my mind considered Alaska a temporary stop. Leaving Juneau the first time around was hard. This time won't be any different. All my friends are here. It is easily the most beautiful place I have ever lived. But when I think about what I want to be doing with my life, it's not playing bejeweled all day at a desk. When I think about my sister having kids, I know that I don't want to be the aunt that lives 3,000 miles away and only sees nieces or nephews once a year.

Basically, I want to put a spark back in my life. My whole life. And this is the first time in a long time that I have been even remotely excited about doing anything. Now I just have to figure out how I am going to get through one last winter here.