Big Time Backfire, the story of my life...

So, I put up a profile on Match.com since it’s free and normally it’s a huge ego boost.

Well not this time!

I shit you not, the only two people that have ‘winked’ at me are some guy in a wheel chair and someone who thinks ‘Cheers’ was the best show ever made and makes less than $25,000 a year. I know that money shouldn’t be a huge factor, but I am busting my ass at two jobs so that I can afford to go out and do fun things and I sure as shit am not about to spend my hard earned money on some guy that doesn’t understand the difference between no and know. Not to mention that $25,000 a year in the DC area doesn’t get you anywhere! This guy has got to be living with about 12 other people in a two bedroom apartment in Southeast. I mean, he probably just wants me for my Corolla.

And I hate to admit it, but I don’t think I could deal with dating someone in a wheel chair. Don’t judge me! I’m sure there are plenty of other reasons why I’ll see all of you in hell! Think about all the logistics of everything from driving to intimacy. I mean, if I was with someone and they became wheel chair bound, I like to think I wouldn’t leave them, but I don’t think I’d initiate something with a guy in a wheelchair that doesn’t even match all my compatibility points on Match.com! And come on, the first person trying to contact me was a guy in a wheelchair?! Who else would that happen to?

Granted, I don’t have any pictures handy so I used my awful work id picture, but it’s not that bad! I mean, I’ve seen worse. It’s just so fitting that something I would do solely for an ego boost would completely backfire on me. I’ll stick to slutting it up at happy hour, thank you very much, which conveniently is tonight! Yay happy hour!!

Live From New York!

I know that I complain about my job quite often, but sometimes the stars align and I get an amazing opportunity that almost makes up for living only marginally above the poverty line.

For example, I just found out that I am going to the Live Earth concert in New York in two weeks. THAT’S RIGHT, FOLKS! I am going to Live Earth. If you don’t know what Live Earth is, boy, are you dumb. Turn on a tv or open a paper and get with it! Live Earth is Al Gore’s concert series. Shows are simultaneously going on in New York, England, Australia, Brazil, Japan, China, Germany, Turkey, and South Africa.
The New York lineup includes:
Ludacris
Bon Jovi
Kanye West
Fall Out Boy
The Police
Dave Matthews
Akon
Alicia Keys and some other artists I don’t really care about.

And not only am I going to Live Earth, my job while I am there is to blog about it! That’s right, I said it. I am getting paid to go drink and blog at one of the most awesomest concerts ever. Don’t hate, bitches!

And news of this assignment came right on the heels of a presentation I had to give the VP of my department and when I was done he said I was ‘facile’, that I had ‘a great affect’, and that I should ‘be giving all our departments presentations’. Call me crazy, but that sounds like pretty good feedback to me! I’m hoping that perhaps the trickle down effect will be that I actually get a little more responsibility now. ‘Cause that might actually be enough to get me to stick around for a few more months…

Dustin lives in Milwaukee?! Fuck!

I got home from work on Sunday night and found myself wide awake with nothing to do, so I settled in for a night camped out on the couch watching shitty celebreality. And I wasn’t disappointed. VH1 was showing the finale of Celebrity Fit Club and one of the ‘stars’ of the show is Saved By the Bell alum Dustin Diamond. What a complete dickwad. And to top off all his annoying, whiney behavior, they mentioned that he has moved to Milwaukee of all places! I am so pissed at that! Like we don’t have enough to overcome with Milwaukeeans like Jeffrey Dahmer and Laverne and Shirley? Seriously Dustin, you had to choose Milwaukee of all places? You couldn’t go to Cleveland or Omaha?

I realize I no longer live in Milwaukee, but that doesn’t mean I don’t still consider it home. And I’ve been thinking about going back a lot in the past few months, but I think I would literally vomit if I ever ran into Dustin. And I cannot fathom how anyone could shell out any money to see a Dustin Diamond sex tape. PUKE! I don’t care if he makes Tommy Lee look like a prepubescent Indian, I would never, ever, ever want to see him naked.

I cannot think of a worse B-list celebrity, but I feel like I must be overlooking someone. So, what can you come up with, my loyal six readers?

TAG! You're it!!

I feel so special. I finally got tagged! I can now say that I have officially made it! Yay for me!

INSTRUCTIONS: Remove the blog in the top spot from the following list and bump everyone up one place. Then add your blog to the bottom slot, like so.
1) What Greg Likes
2) A Blog of a Good Time
3) Classy
4) 5 of 9er/Meaning of Loaf (That right – I got DOUBLE TAGGED!!)
5) Capital Cities Whinemonger

Select five people to tag:
Valtrex
Dwight
Chuck Daddy
T-Gold
Jesse (Who is the most likely to not do this? This guy!)

What were you doing 10 years ago?
I had just graduated from high school and was getting ready to head off to Chicago for college. So, basically I was drinking a lot and hanging out with my best friend, Angie, pretty much every day.

What were you doing 1 year ago?
I had just moved to the DC area and was starting my super awesome job. Holy shit, what a difference a year makes.

Five snacks you enjoy:
1) Smartfood Popcorn
2) Ice Cream
3) Cow Tales
4) Pixy Stix
5) Cheese

Five songs that you know all the lyrics to:
1) "Gimmie that Nut” by Eazy E
2) "My Name is Jonas” by Weezer
3) "November Rain” by Guns N’Roses
4) “We Didn’t Start the Fire” by Billy Joel
5) “Greatest Love of All” by Whitney Houston

Five things you would do if you were a millionaire:
1) Quit my job!!!
2) Pay off debt
3) Buy a house
4) Go back to school for photography
5) Go on a LOTR’s tour

Five bad habits:
1) Eating even after I am full (Hence the chubby)
2) Smoking after even one beer
3) Driving just to drive
4) Gossiping
5) Lying

Five things you like doing:
1) Watching trashy tv
2) Having sex (yes, it comes in second)
3) Eating ice cream
4) Riding a bike
5) Reading

Five things you would never wear again:
1) Jeans tucked and rolled at the bottom
2) Jelly shoes
3) Electic blue eyeshadow (unless it’s for a costume party)
4) Blue hair
5) Frosted denim

Five favorite toys:
1) Mario Kart
2) Legos
3) The game of Life
4) Oregon Trail
5) Pogo Ball

What kind of bees make milk? BOOBIES!!

Without a crazy ass roommate or any stupid ex-boyfriend drama (although it would be nice if he stopped calling me drunk or hung-over) it’s hard to come up with witty and interesting blog posts. I mean, there are only so many times I can write about my shitty job before people stop reading. Even you, my loyal six readers. So, here is the topic I’ve come up with for today: Breasts.

Specifically, my breasts. I have decided to have them done. Sorry boys, but I’ve decided to downsize. I cannot understand why anyone would choose to have big boobs. They suck. It’s harder to find clothes that fit, and the ones that do make me look either frumpy or slutty. And believe it or not, I don’t always want to look like a skank. Only on weekends and the occasional casual Friday. It’s also harder to run. And most annoyingly, they get in the way when I am trying to sleep.

Anyway, even with insurance covering most of the costs I am not going to be able to afford the rest until sometime next spring, which means I have plenty of time to think about what size I want to go down to. It’s going to be either a B or a C. Right now it’s a toss up though. C seems to be the ideal cup size, but I’ve always envied small, perky breasts and it would be amazing to be able to wake up and get out of bed without having to worry about a bra all the time. But I don’t really have a grasp on what different sized boobs look like. So I have been finding myself staring at women’s chests a lot more lately. It’s not like I have never noticed someone else’s boobs before, but it’s never really been a habit to study them. I’m sure some of the women on the Metro must think I am a pervy lesbian, but I think research is important here. I mean, this is not buying a sweater. And some days I think, ‘Wow, her boobs are perfect.’ Then other days I am drawn to a completely different size. So I have this conundrum now and I am asking you, six readers, what would you do if you were in my shoes? Or in my bra as the case may be…

Break It Down

Summer is officially here now and you all know what that means – it’s time for So You Think You Can Dance on Fox! I am totally addicted. I think it is because I can not dance at all. Not a lick. And it frustrates me because I have rhythm. I mean, I play the piano (poorly) and the violin pretty well. I can read music. I can awkwardly shake my chucky booty on a dance floor, but it looks so…bad. The ability to look graceful while moving was not something I was born with, nor do I ever see myself morphing into a ballerina.

My favorites on the show are always the break dancers. I tried to learn the running man in middle school and that was a big flop. Hell, I couldn’t even do the moonwalk when I was younger. This year, I have my eye on Hok, the Japanese guy raised in England. He was shafted last year – SHAFTED I tell you. The show doesn’t like break dancers though, so I am only going to give him 3 or 4 weeks until he gets the boot.

Last year, I was super excited when Benji won. He didn’t look like a traditional dancer, which is why I think I liked him so much. He gave me hope. Anyway, make fun of me if you want, but this is the only show I that is getting added to my TiVo list this summer. And if you have a problem with that – you suck.

File Under: WTF?!

Yesterday at work, I was wasting time like I normally do, and I came across this news story. Now, I may not be a rocket scientist, but I am a genius (note to self: mail in annual Mensa dues) and this story just boggles my mind. How the hell does one end up in this predicament? Conceivably, I can see how the truck driver could miss someone right in front of his truck. I mean, have you ever been in one of those things? They are ginormous. But the odds of someone wheeling by and getting jammed into the front grill facing forward and in just the right angle so that he doesn’t tip over and get sucked under the wheels? That has got to be one hell of a coincidence. Seriously, that guy should go buy a lottery ticket. And can you imagine what it would feel like to be sitting there while the engine revs up and slowly starts to pull away? I know I would have crapped my pants.

Sad, Sad, Day

Well, six readers, I am officially blue.

Today was a very sad day. Today is the day that I realized my dream will never come true. Today was the last taping of the Price is Right. And now I will never be able to see it. Sure, I can go to the crappy Vegas live show, but without my good friend, Bob, what’s the point?

Oh, Bob, why didn’t you ever do a road show like Wheel of Fortune? Milwaukee wasn’t fancy enough for you? Well, not all of us can afford to jet off to LA to be in your live studio audience, Bob. Did you ever think of us? Huh? Did ya? Obviously not. And now we will never get to experience Plinko, or Beat the Clock, or my personal favorite, Hole in One (OR TWO).

I also liked Cliff Hanger a lot because sometimes you’d get a real moron playing that one and that always made for a good time.

But the show has been ripped from all of us now and there is nothing any of us can do about it because apparently Bob decided to be a selfish asshole and think about only himself.

I’m sorry, Bob. I didn’t mean it. Please come back, Bob. I promise I will be good. Please? Please, come back?

Sunday Morning Wake-up

I really hate waking up with a hangover. But sometimes it's worth it. And I do love getting up and making a greasy breakfast and sitting on the couch watching CBS Sunday Morning News. I grew up watching CBS on Sunday mornings, probably the only time we would watch that network. Luckily, my roommate also loves the show, so it's become a tradition in my household.

My hangover this week stems from an attempt to enjoy Pirates. I was told the only way to like the movie is to get drunk before hand, so I took the advice to heart. It worked. The scenes where Johnny Depp is in Davy's locker are awesome. I absolutely love that man. And getting drunk in a movie theatre is completely under-rated. I think I need to start seeing all movies in a state of utter intoxication.

I need to find more Advil...