Only You Could Be So Bold

I know it is stating the obvious, but I am all kinds of awesome. I am especially awesome these days to anyone who likes Star Wars. My sister is not the kind of girl to dress up and go bar hopping wearing a fake tiara for a bachelorette party. In fact, I am quite positive that she does not own a single dress. She is borrowing a wedding dress and the fact that she won’t be wearing pants is sort of freaking me out. Anyway, her friends wanted to throw her a Star Wars themed bachelorette party. Sure, why not?So, instead of a tiara, she gets to rock this bad boy all night long. Unless it’s warm out because the hat is hella hot.

I didn’t want her fiancé to feel left out, since we’re meeting up with the boys at some point, so I went ahead and made him a little something something too. Behold, R2D2! Apparently there is a competition to see who comes up with the better party, the boys or the girls. Rumor has it their plan involves a stripper dressed up like a clown and a meat packing plant. They are definitely going to win for the most terrifying experience ever. I hate horror movies and if I ever came across a stripper dressed up like a clown in real life, I am pretty sure I would shoot him. And I am pretty sure that is legal. I’ve never heard of a more clear case of self defense. Just the thought of it makes my skin crawl.

Instead of giving my sister nightmares for the rest of her life, we’re just having a good old-fashioned scavenger hunt. I’m sure there will be some debate over who ‘won’. I just want my sister to have a good time. I don’t see how she could possibly have a bad time wearing Princess Leia buns.

F*&$ing Rant of the Day

Admittedly, I am in a bad mood. I was woken up at 3am and then again at 5am by the ancient pugs I am dog sitting, and yet I still had a fresh pile of shit to deal with when my alarm finally went off. I’ve been going home every day at lunch time to let them out and there has been an accident every.single.time. My life for the next two weeks is going to consist of cleaning up dog pee and smelling like dog pee. I have pretty much accepted this fate. I mean, they are old. They can’t help it. I just have to keep reminding myself that I need new brakes. Plus, I mean, I am doing it already – it’s not like I can back out at this point.

BUT, everyone in Juneau is acting like an asshole today. I HATE driving downtown during the summer. Tourists are the dumbest pieces of shit sometimes. Note to my three readers: if you are ever on vacation try to keep in mind that people actually live there. No matter how beautiful the place may be, unless you are actually in Disneyland, it is not fucking Disney! Sidewalks are there for a reason, the street is not just a really wide wheelchair accessible walkway for you to mosey along at your own pace. Yes, some people may even drive there!

And there must be something in the water today because Juneau drivers were out in spades to compete for the title of biggest douche. I already know that most people born and raised in Juneau can’t drive worth shit. (My theory is that people who live in rural areas never learn how to drive.) Downtown Juneau is teeming with one way streets, no left turn intersections and dead ends. Today, everywhere I went some asshole was going the wrong way down a one way, illegally parked blocking the entire fucking street or blowing through a stop sign like the extra three seconds you gain from that might actually matter. It’s Juneau, for fucks sake. There are 40 miles of road total and virtually nothing out passed mile 20. What’s the damn rush?

Tonight all I have to look forward to is going back to a dirty-ass housesit and cleaning up dog poop, which means I am going to stay in this bad mood for the foreseeable future. (Seriously, I am messy, but there is a big difference between messy and dirty and if I’d rather shower at the gym than at your house, it’s dirty, not messy. Also, who leaves a house sitter dirty dishes, a full trash can and piles of junk all over every available surface? I had to wash a plate for dinner. There are even stacks of stuff on the stove top. I had to move them to turn on the burner. And it wasn’t a potholder or something, it was Ziploc baggies and a phone book. Really?) Maybe tonight I’ll get more than 5 hours of sleep at least…

I now own a dress!

I just bought a dress for wedding #2 of the summer. Wedding #1 was a Juneau affair, so I wore rubber shoes and jeans. Yes, I'm serious. That's just how we roll up here. And it's awesome. I haven't owned a dress since, um... OH! I remember. I had to buy a dress for a wedding two summers ago, but then I spilled bleach on it and it got ruined. Every wedding since then I've just worn a skirt or whatever. I am not exactly what anyone would call a fashionista. Actually, why does anyone use that word? It's stupid.

Now that I have a snazzy new dress. I am ready to DANCE! Know who else likes to dance? My friend, Miz Bitch. It wouldn't surprise me if he knew the entire Napoleon Dynamite dance. In fact, I think Miz Bitch needs to accompany me some where we could show off our impressive moves. You know, since we are going to be in the same part of the country and I am awesome and only an idiot would pass up the chance to hang out with KaDonk. Think about it, Miz.

Smarty Pants

I was having dinner with some friends the other night and I can’t remember how the topic came up but at some point we began talking about what we’d do if we had one wish. And I said that sometimes I think I would wish to be dumber. Sure, there are times – plenty of times – when I wish I had more money, or that I weighed less. There are times when I am less selfish and would use a wish on peace, or better universal health care. I’m sure that if I was ever actually granted a wish I’d use it on the environment, but that’s not the point of those kinds of conversations. ‘What-would-you-wish-for’ conversations are to indulge in a fantasy world and be completely selfish.

And I wish I were dumber.

Everyone looked at me like I was crazy and as the conversation continued, it because clear that I was the only one that had ever thought that before. I know I am smart when I choose to be but I can be incredibly lazy. I’ve heard about my ‘potential’ my entire life. Sometimes I feel the weight of that wasted potential crashing down on me. I think about how if I had applied myself at all, I could have been a biologist or a CIA agent or an epidemiologist. I could have been making a difference. Instead, I spent yesterday watching Up at work. (Super adorable movie. I said I wouldn’t cry but was crying less than 12 minutes into it. Thank God I have my own office.)I don’t mean to sound conceited, but I am too damn smart to be wasting my life mailing out membership reminders and writing $5,000 grants. It just seems so daunting at this point to go back to school, especially since I have to pay for car repairs by dog sitting. I thought that by this point in my life I would have accomplished something. At least if I had an IQ of 75, I probably wouldn’t be aiming any higher.

I Heart Pugs

When I first got to Juneau, I was an AmeriCorps volunteer, which means I was always broke. Like, way more broke than I am now. Although, food stamps almost made it worth it. Anyway, being an AmeriCorps member also meant that six of us lived in a 3-bedroom house to keep rent costs down. My ‘bedroom’ was a closet. A large one, but a closet nonetheless. My mother greatly enjoyed telling people all year that I was ‘in the closet’. She’s a funny lady. The year I was doing AmeriCorps, I was willing to housesit for anyone and everyone. The chance to have an entire apartment /house all to myself was not something I took for granted. I house sat for a family with chickens, I took care of dogs and cats and some parrots (or parakeets or something). There was pretty much nothing I would turn down.

But now I have an apartment that I really like in my favorite part of town. House sitting has lost all of its appeal. Unfortunately, I still never have much money, so when I was offered $300 to watch two old pugs for 13 days, I didn’t say no. Hell, this dog sit is going to cover the cost of my new rotors. Well, it’s going to cover part of the cost anyway. Man, I love being a grown up!

Long story short: I made tacos.

Driving back up to Juneau with Pint as my copilot, I relied on several books on tape to keep me awake. I normally don’t like books on tape. The act of physically holding a book and sitting with a book and becoming completely absorbed in the story… you just don’t get the same overall experience with a book on tape. But I did discover that books on tape are a great way to pass the time when you are driving. I listened to Water for Elephants, which I really enjoyed (and might have even made me cry). Of course, now it is being made into a movie with the Twilight vampire and Reese Witherspoon, which means there is a very good chance the movie is going to blow so much that I will never think fondly of the book again. The other books I listened to were Charlie Wilson’s War (liked) and Julie & Julia. Julie & Julia, hmmm.

Having very little to do at work in the summer, lately I've been watching instant movies on Netflix and Julie & Julia was one of my Netflix recommendations. Having "read" the book, and thinking it was only so-so, I didn’t really plan on watching the movie, but it just kind of happened. I think it’s a rare instance of the movie actually being better than the book. I am not a chef and the book was bogged down with cooking specifics, which I am sure some people absolutely loved, but it made it hard for me to get in to.

Because of obvious time constraints, the movie glossed over most of the actual cooking. And Amy Adams was able to make even Enchanted almost watchable. I ended up actually enjoying the movie. So of course, I had to look and see if Julie Powell had written anything else since J&J. She has. It’s called Cleaving: A story of marriage, meat, and obsession. After signing her book deal, Mrs. Powell had a two-year affair and became a butcher. Whoa. That’s pretty badass. And she had the balls to write about her affair. It almost makes me want to read her new book. Almost. Until I picture the epic mental struggle she writes about in excruciating detail. If she can churn out an entire chapter on a single piece of beef, imagine what she can do with the guilt of cheating on her ‘saintly’ husband. No, thank you.

However, after watching the movie and then reading a bit about Julia Child online I did get the itch to cook something. (And can I just say that I really think Julia Child and I would have been great friends. She sounds like a hoot. Yes, I said hoot. Deal with it.) So last night I made blackened halibut tacos with a yummy cabbage cole slaw thing. And they were good. Damn good, if I do say so. And I had fun making them. I also made soup last week and banana bread. I’m beginning to see what all the fuss is about.

Berrylicious!

I’m going to three weddings this summer. The first one was actually last weekend and luckily it was here in Juneau or I wouldn’t have been there. I figured out that for the other two weddings, since they are being rolled into one big trip, I am traveling 7,432 miles and I have spend $1,230 on airfare and $318 on hotels. This is why I never have any money. Anyway, the wedding this weekend was a lot of fun. And I found salmonberries. Gigantic salmonberries. Bonus!AND, I found out that Hulu finally has episodes of So You Think You Can Dance! Double bonus!! Unfortunately, my favorite dancer EVER is out due to injury. No! But I’m betting he’ll be back and now I can look forward to not missing any.shows.ever!

If you can't appreciate how amazing Alex Wong is, then I just don't know what is wrong with you.

Cubbies!

Miz doesn't care if the Cubs lose...

Yeah, keep telling yourself that, buddy.

Eat. Pray. Barf.

I am embarrassed to admit that I went to see the new Twilight movie last night. The best part of the whole ordeal was the Harry Potter preview. But the last preview they showed was so unbelievably annoying I couldn’t stop thinking about it for the first few minutes of the movie. (Actually, I had a lot of time to think about how annoying it was, and think about what I was going to eat for dinner, and what I want to do this weekend since all my friends are out of town, and try to remember if I took my clothes out of the dryer before I left for work this morning… I think you get my point.)

Anyway, Julia Roberts is starring in the movie adaptation of the Elizabeth Gilbert book Eat, Pray, Love: One Woman's Search for Everything Across Italy, India and Indonesia. I have not read the book. I do not plan on reading the book. In fact, the whole concept of the book really pisses me off.

My understanding of the book is that a 32-year old woman is going through a divorce and before the divorce is finalized she begins dating some other guy (James Franco in the movie, which really blows since I like James Franco and don’t want to associate him with this shit). The new guy doesn’t work out either and she is horribly depressed so she spends a year traveling. Eating food in Italy, praying in India and wrapping it all up with a yoga retreat/meeting the man of her dreams in Bali. Whatever. Obviously it has been on the best seller lists long enough that this appeals to a lot of people.

But the preview shows Julia Roberts ranting about her life.

“Since I was 15, I’ve either been with a guy or breaking up with a guy. I have not given myself two weeks of a breather just to deal with myself.”

Are you fucking kidding me?! Sure, we all know women like that. (And men too.) Personally, those women drive me absolutely fucking crazy. On one hand I feel sorry them because they are so afraid of themselves that they can’t do anything alone, and on the other they make me so angry that I want to spit at them. Its 2010, ladies. Newsflash, you don’t need a man to define you! Men can be wonderful. Being in a relationship can be fantastic. Sex is great! But if you have never been alone, I guarantee that you have settled for someone at least once in your life because it was easier that being alone. And that is pathetic. And now I am supposed to watch 2 hours of Julia Roberts whining about how somewhere along the way she lost herself and then got a book advance so she could travel all over the world to ‘find herself’ and the only thing she ends up doing at the end is falling in love again?! What.the.fuck!? If she ended up starting a non-profit to help land mine victims or save elephants or basically if she learned anything during her year abroad, I could maybe excuse the reason she took the trip in the first place, but no. She ends up exactly where she started, a spoiled and privileged white woman who is married again and probably still doesn’t have a clue about what real suffering is.

I am AWESOME.

Miz Bitch is sticking it to the man and moving half way around the world. And since he will be in a position to share make everyone insanely jealous by posting pictures of him riding kangaroos and giving koala’s water and shit, he is contemplating starting a blog that will inevitably kick my blogs ass. I have already resigned myself to this fact. HOWEVER, I have decided that Miz Bitch needs to recognize that his life will not be complete if he leaves before we get a chance to hang out. I am going to be bored out of my mind in September when I go home for my sister’s wedding. And MB will only be about 75 miles away. SO, I have dedicated an entire blog tag just to you, Bitch. My mission is to convince you that your real life friends are less important than me. As we all know, it’s always all about me. Sure, you’re mom will miss you. And your ex-GF will probably give you goodbye sex just for old times sake. But I can make black and white pictures have colored beer! And really, that’s better than risking a lifelong case of herpes any day. I’m going white water rafting in W.Virgina the weekend of September 11. And there are several football games we could get drunk at that month. Vinu lives in Chicago and the three of us could eat a deep dish pizza or watch the Cubs lose. The possibilities are endless. I really think it’s only fair that instead of giving me a ‘maybe’, I get moved to the ‘fuck, yeah!’ column.

USA! USA!

I don’t know why, but I love the 4th of July. The older I get, the more I appreciate holidays that don’t revolve around gift giving. And I love fireworks. That’s one thing I miss about Milwaukee - that city sure knows how to put on a good fireworks display. In Juneau, the fireworks happen at 12:01 a.m. on the 4th because that’s the only time it’s dark enough. Then the parades and stuff don’t start until 11 a.m. so you can sleep in. This year, instead of celebrating I get to chauffer my aunt and uncle around all day. Of all the cruise ships (and trust me, there are a lot of cruise ships that come here in the summer) they had to be on the one that docks on the 4th. I don’t see them very often and I never really know what to talk to them about (their favorite topics include God, saving unborn babies, and talking about relatives I don’t know). I was thinking about being “busy” but since my dad is still in the hospital and it “would mean a lot to him”, I really don’t have a choice in the matter and I will be playing tour guide all day. Can’t wait. I hope all three of my readers enjoy the weekend though!