Piss Off

It seems like everyone has been having a crappy fall, but I have to admit I am sick of hearing about other peoples problems. Don't get me wrong, I care about my friends and I want them to be happy but I've got my own shit to deal with right now and I am sick of taking care of other people. Why does your break-up or your shitty day at work or your homework or your flat tire or even your birthday denial always require something from me? And how do you not help someone without looking like a total asshole? I want to tell everyone to piss off, but I still care enough to know that I don't want all my friends mad at me.

But I feel like I am getting close to my breaking point. I went out on Saturday night and was nice as pie to random strangers and those friends you have that you only see every once in awhile. The people that never call you if they are in trouble. The ones you don't expect anything from. But I was definitely bordering on bitch with my close friends. I don't want to be that person. I feel like things aren't really that bad for me, but I can't shake this funk I'm in. And I hate that. Normally I overreact initally but then get over things pretty fast. Not having a game plan is messing that all up.

I had a gift certificate for a local hotel this weekend and last night I just sat in the hotel room to be alone. I didn't watch tv or read. I literally just sat there looking out the window being alone. And I didn't think about anything or anyone. And it was fantastic.

When life hands you lemons, go camping

I decided last minute to go camping this weekend and I am super happy I did. It might have been wet and muddy, but it was worth it. Good food, good company, good times.

There wasn't much elevation gain, which made me think it wouldn't be too difficult but the trail wasn't in great shape and it pretty much kicked my ass.

The trail was soaking wet and probably one of the muddiest hikes I've ever been on.

This guy didn't seem to mind being around people at all.

I love the public cabin system in Alaska.

Mr. Prudey

Leave it to me to find the one recently divorced prude in Juneau. My date was... basically it wasn't even a date. I was going to say it was a bust, but it wasn't even that. We were supposed to go see a movie, but when he hadn't called and the movie was supposed to start in 30 minutes, I went out with my friends instead. I was completely fine with that because all my friends were having a lot of fun and I didn't want to miss out. Anyway, he finally called about five minutes before the movie started. I told him we should meet up for a drink at some point that evening since we missed the movie. I should have just blown him off.

We texted a back and forth all evening, which is what we have been doing for weeks. I fully admit that I was a bit tipsy but at this point I wanted to either get the ball rolling or figure out now if this whole thing wasn't going to go anywhere. Let me just say that I have no idea where I am going to be six months from now and I am not looking for anything serious. But this guy got divorced this past summer so I assumed that he couldn't really be looking for a huge commitment either. We met for a drink, had mediocre conversation and fooled around a bit. No big deal, right?

Fast forward to the next day. I get a facebook message that says I am "cool" but he feels like I am using him and it feels like a one night stand and this "relationship" is something we will both end up regretting. Um, seriously? Know what makes it feel like a one night stand? You ending it after one night, that's what. And you know what I regret, douchebag? I regret not getting off at all when you seemed pretty damn happy by the time I got out of your stupid Volkswagen. I regret the fact that I picked the one prude in Juneau when for the first time in a really long time I was not looking for anything more than a booty call. Seriously, why do I always pick the losers?

Hazy daze...

Today, like most days recently, I spent the majority of my time staring off into space vaguely wondering what I should do with my life. There are just so many directions I could go right now and none of them seem to be the ‘right’ way. Normally in this situation I would make a pro/con list, albeit a mental one, but that only works when I have option A and option B. Right now I am trying to decide where I want to live, where I want to work and whether I want to go back to school, and there are a lot of combinations of those three things.

Also, my dog is starting to slow down. Unless you know me you don’t realize how much that is impacting all of my decisions. I have been trying to ignore that fact that she is having more trouble with the stairs and her back legs are starting to give out more often, but there is only so much longer I can deny what I am seeing. I hate, hate, hate that she is old. I hate that she doesn’t want to cuddle with me more. I feel like Lennie from Of Mice and Men, I just want to keep petting her all day. I pray every night that when the time comes she will just die in her sleep because I am not sure I am strong enough to let her go when her time comes.

So, that is what I have been thinking about these days. I have not really been thinking about the fact that I have a date tonight. I thought it would be a good distraction, but I have to admit I have not put much thought into it other than to acknowledge that I have to be ready to go around 7ish. I have absolutely nothing in common with this guy. Honestly, I just thought he would be a good winter pastime. And if that makes me slutty, good. I’ve been a prude for way too long.

This blog, like my life right now, is pretty disjointed. But sometimes it just feels good to write.

Well, that's just great.

So, instead of rallying it up in DC all weekend, I caught a cold and got a $457 doctor bill, which is what I get for going to the doctor at all. It's been so long since I went to the doctor even for routine preventive stuff that I completely forgot you have to pay for everything until you hit your deductible. If I had remembered that, I probably wouldn't have opted for so many of the stupid blood panels.

Anyway, at least I stopped drinking so much. This week I am going to start hitting the classifieds big time. I am trying to decide how desperate I am at this point. I don't think I'm bank teller desperate just yet, but I also don't know how long that is going to last. I have been trying not to think about my work situation much, but when I do stop to think about it I can't help but feel angry. I hate being mad about things and I hate holding grudges but I am not sure how to get over something like this. Probably the same way I get over men. I won't be completely over it until I have moved on to another job. I seriously hope that a new job shows up soon...