I am now 100% certain that babies are not in my future. Not only because I don’t like kids, but also because I am utterly selfish. Yesterday I found out that someone I know is knocked up. Okay, she is married, so I guess technically that is not ‘knocked up’, but she is going to have kid. And my initial thought was, ‘Great. Another friend that is going to drop off the face of the planet to hang out with other moms and compare notes about binkies and diaper genies.’ The fact that I could turn the happiest event in this woman’s life into a ‘woe-is-me’ bitchfest is the perfect example of why I should most definitely not have any children.On the flip side, I think I will make an awesome aunt. (Or, My Jewish Friend, I think I’d be an awesome goy influence to some Jew baby!) I can totally see myself spoiling a kid and then giving it back to mom the second all the sugar I just fed him/her kicks in. I will be the one that buys the really loud annoying toys that mom or dad ends up ‘accidentally’ breaking in the middle of the night. And when my sisters or My Jewish Friend decide to have kids, (Seriously Big Sister, what’s the hold up?! You aren’t getting any younger and you’ve been with Boyfriend FOREVER!!) I am definitely going to be the one to take them out drinking when they are older. I will be the perfect bad influence to someone else’s child.
But I cannot see myself giving up my own freedom to raise a child of my own. I get bored with jobs after one year. I can barely take care of an 8-pound Chihuahua. I like to get drunk and yes, sometimes I smoke. I swear like a sailor. And I am always broke. I don’t see any place in my budget to accommodate a child. Oh, and baby poo absolutely grosses me out. I can barely pick up Pint’s shit and I don’t have to get anywhere near her butt. I wonder if there will be a way for me to finagle it so that I never have to change a diaper if my sisters or my BFF ever decide to become preggers. I am pretty confident at this point that those are the only babies I will actually deal with for any length of time…
5 comments:
I feel the way you do, but I'd also say: Never say never.
My dogs have both got poos stuck in their bums that I have had to pull out. As someone who has also changed a dirty diaper, the dog incidents were WAY grosser.
You have to be single to be considered knocked-up? Really? I've been so using that term for anyone preggers.
First of all, it's pronounced womb infection, and second of all, I think you might already be carrying chuck norris's baby.
Hear hear. People who neglect their birth control just aren't thinking of their responsibility to stay interesting for their friends. Pisses me off.
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