Karma

I think I am a decent person. Sure I occasionally lie and I took some pens from my last job, but who hasn’t done that? And maybe I drink too much and perhaps I’ve been smoking lately but my destructive behaviors really only affect me. I’m sure everyone thinks of themselves as a good person. Even Jeffrey Dahmer probably thought he was somehow doing a good thing by hacking people up and keeping them in his refrigerator. But I put spiders outside instead of killing them. And even though I have been looking for a job all year, when I interviewed for a position that was right up my roommate’s alley, I told them she would be a better fit, which resulted in her getting the job. I volunteer. I try not to be mean, I hang out with people I don’t even really like sometimes because they seem lonely. When I have disposable income I donate money to charity. I hold doors open and I try to be polite.

So why is karma being such a bitch to me this year? Seriously.

It’s been almost a year since I got laid off. I am trying to stay optimistic because I know it could be a lot worse but right now I am substitute teaching for the fall. That is fun. And by fun I mean horrible. Money wise, things are getting semi-scary and subbing really doesn’t pay very well. But at least it’s marginally better than unemployment. And my roommate, the one that landed the job I told her about, just informed me that she is moving about because she ‘needs a cat right now.’ I was hoping to persuade her to stay until January because it’s a lot easier to find a roommate that time of year but she can’t wait 10 extra weeks for a cat. Because God knows, cats are hard to come by.

And to top it all off, the guy I have been dating and totally falling for during the last six months just told me that he is moving to Kansas City. In a month. I haven’t liked a guy this much in literally years. And after a minor freak out on my part right at the beginning, which I blame on the fact that I haven’t been so into someone for so damn long and it sort of scared the crap out of me, things have been going about as close to perfect as I’ve ever gotten in a relationship. Ever. But he got a really great job offer in fucking Missouri and apparently it’s too good to pass up.

I must have been a huge asshole in my past life.

I went and saw Bridesmaids last weekend. It was good - there were definitely parts that made me laugh out loud. But it hit a little bit too close to home in some spots. It takes place in Milwaukee and it’s about a woman who has lost her job and has no money and has a pattern of sleeping with douchebags and all her friends are getting married. Umm, that sounds eerily familiar. I wish my life was more like Hollywood and could work itself out and get back on track in two hours though. I keep thinking that if I can just hang in there a little bit longer, something will go my way and I’ll land this amazing job and everything will be even better than it was before. In December I told myself that if I just sucked it up for one session something great would open up. Now I am trying to convince myself that if I can just make it to next session, of course I’ll get a 'real' job. In my mind I keep thinking that I just need a little more face time with people. I don’t know if I am being optimistic or naive. I guess I am not giving myself enough credit. I have already secured a better job for next session, but it's not the job I really want. It's a step up so at least there is that, but it's still only a temporary job. I want to stay positive. I know I complain a lot, but that’s sort of how I deal with stuff. I think that overall, I am not a horribly negative person although it's been hard to 'keep my chin up' ever since I got laid off.

Mr. Prudey

Leave it to me to find the one recently divorced prude in Juneau. My date was... basically it wasn't even a date. I was going to say it was a bust, but it wasn't even that. We were supposed to go see a movie, but when he hadn't called and the movie was supposed to start in 30 minutes, I went out with my friends instead. I was completely fine with that because all my friends were having a lot of fun and I didn't want to miss out. Anyway, he finally called about five minutes before the movie started. I told him we should meet up for a drink at some point that evening since we missed the movie. I should have just blown him off.

We texted a back and forth all evening, which is what we have been doing for weeks. I fully admit that I was a bit tipsy but at this point I wanted to either get the ball rolling or figure out now if this whole thing wasn't going to go anywhere. Let me just say that I have no idea where I am going to be six months from now and I am not looking for anything serious. But this guy got divorced this past summer so I assumed that he couldn't really be looking for a huge commitment either. We met for a drink, had mediocre conversation and fooled around a bit. No big deal, right?

Fast forward to the next day. I get a facebook message that says I am "cool" but he feels like I am using him and it feels like a one night stand and this "relationship" is something we will both end up regretting. Um, seriously? Know what makes it feel like a one night stand? You ending it after one night, that's what. And you know what I regret, douchebag? I regret not getting off at all when you seemed pretty damn happy by the time I got out of your stupid Volkswagen. I regret the fact that I picked the one prude in Juneau when for the first time in a really long time I was not looking for anything more than a booty call. Seriously, why do I always pick the losers?

Hazy daze...

Today, like most days recently, I spent the majority of my time staring off into space vaguely wondering what I should do with my life. There are just so many directions I could go right now and none of them seem to be the ‘right’ way. Normally in this situation I would make a pro/con list, albeit a mental one, but that only works when I have option A and option B. Right now I am trying to decide where I want to live, where I want to work and whether I want to go back to school, and there are a lot of combinations of those three things.

Also, my dog is starting to slow down. Unless you know me you don’t realize how much that is impacting all of my decisions. I have been trying to ignore that fact that she is having more trouble with the stairs and her back legs are starting to give out more often, but there is only so much longer I can deny what I am seeing. I hate, hate, hate that she is old. I hate that she doesn’t want to cuddle with me more. I feel like Lennie from Of Mice and Men, I just want to keep petting her all day. I pray every night that when the time comes she will just die in her sleep because I am not sure I am strong enough to let her go when her time comes.

So, that is what I have been thinking about these days. I have not really been thinking about the fact that I have a date tonight. I thought it would be a good distraction, but I have to admit I have not put much thought into it other than to acknowledge that I have to be ready to go around 7ish. I have absolutely nothing in common with this guy. Honestly, I just thought he would be a good winter pastime. And if that makes me slutty, good. I’ve been a prude for way too long.

This blog, like my life right now, is pretty disjointed. But sometimes it just feels good to write.

Well, that's just great.

So, instead of rallying it up in DC all weekend, I caught a cold and got a $457 doctor bill, which is what I get for going to the doctor at all. It's been so long since I went to the doctor even for routine preventive stuff that I completely forgot you have to pay for everything until you hit your deductible. If I had remembered that, I probably wouldn't have opted for so many of the stupid blood panels.

Anyway, at least I stopped drinking so much. This week I am going to start hitting the classifieds big time. I am trying to decide how desperate I am at this point. I don't think I'm bank teller desperate just yet, but I also don't know how long that is going to last. I have been trying not to think about my work situation much, but when I do stop to think about it I can't help but feel angry. I hate being mad about things and I hate holding grudges but I am not sure how to get over something like this. Probably the same way I get over men. I won't be completely over it until I have moved on to another job. I seriously hope that a new job shows up soon...

Sparks

It has been really hard for me to get back into the swing of things after my vacation. The days are getting shorter and winter is looming. Once again, I am determined to make the best of winter this year and I'm hoping to get better at skiing, blah, blah, blah. But it is not my favorite time of year so even if I hadn’t just gotten back from a fabulous vacation, I’d probably be a bit depressed.

While I was home, I subjected myself to a blind date. Anyone who knows me knows that I don't date much. In the last two years, I have forced myself to go out with exactly two guys. And I knew going into those dates that I wasn't really interested, but it gets lonely not being in a relationship and you get to the point where you tell yourself that anyone is better than being alone. Then you go out with someone you have no interest in and you decide being alone isn't so bad. I haven't had a spark with anyone since I dated the guy who pretty much broke my heart way back when I still lived in Wisconsin. Honestly, I think I'd forgotten that there even could be a spark. But I started talking to Blind Date Guy about a week before I went home. He seemed like a nice guy. We seemed to have a similar sense of humor. I would go so far as to say that I was actually cautiously optimistic about meeting him. Anyway, in person, we clicked. And now I miss him even though I'm sure it only worked because I was only in town for a few weeks. But it reminded me of what dating can be like. And it made coming back to Juneau that much harder.

I don't know where to even begin meeting someone here. I don't want to meet someone in a bar. I feel like I am always trying to stay busy and try new things, but I never meet any eligible guys. I've tried art classes and I joined a trap team and a book club and a pool (billiards) league. Nothing. I know a pity party doesn't help matters any, but that's about all I've been able to manage this week.

The other thing that was hard to come back to was my job. I have not been happy with my job for awhile now and getting a break made me realize that I really need to do something. I can't sit at a desk in a dead end job for the rest of my life. I have no room to grow and I simply don't like what I am doing right now. I have been talking about doing something different for years, but it's so easy to get complacent. I love Juneau and I love my friends here, but every week is the exact same thing. There is no where for me to go in my job and there are no other jobs in town. I've been looking for over a year now and I know that if I stay here, I am going to do mindless office work for the rest of my life.

My whole point is that I am thinking about leaving Juneau whether I find a job back home or not. I’m toying with the idea of applying for jobs that I never would have considered in the past. Like retail. Store managers at Target or REI or whatever make bank after a few years. And you aren’t chained to a desk all day - you are constantly on the move. I’m sure I’d get sick of that some days, but I’d rather be busy than sitting around with nothing to do. I also started a grad school application. If I don’t find a job, next fall I just might go back to school.

I make plans and then change them ALL the time, but this decision just feels right, you know? Moving back to Wisconsin next year for a job or for school just seems like what I should be doing right now. There are a lot of variables and I know my plans could change but for now, just having a plan is enough. It's far enough in the future that it gives me time to wrap my head around leaving Alaska again. So I can make sure that I do everything I want to do while I am here. It also makes the thought of spending yet another winter here and another holiday away from my family more tolerable. And it gives me time to accept the fact that I am going to have to pack up all my shit for another cross country move. Moving blows.

I guess I have always in the back of my mind considered Alaska a temporary stop. Leaving Juneau the first time around was hard. This time won't be any different. All my friends are here. It is easily the most beautiful place I have ever lived. But when I think about what I want to be doing with my life, it's not playing bejeweled all day at a desk. When I think about my sister having kids, I know that I don't want to be the aunt that lives 3,000 miles away and only sees nieces or nephews once a year.

Basically, I want to put a spark back in my life. My whole life. And this is the first time in a long time that I have been even remotely excited about doing anything. Now I just have to figure out how I am going to get through one last winter here.

Peace Out, Bitches!

I met all my personal goals for the 5k I ran on Saturday and I have to admit, it felt great. There’s another one in October and I am going to sign up for it just because I know the next few weeks are going to be filled with eating lots of fast food and sitting on my ass. But after that one, I think I either need to move up to a 10k or find a triathlon I can enter.

Anyway, now that the race is over, I am pretty much ready for vacation! In what I am sure will be a humiliating decision I will regret forever, I agreed to go out with a guy I do not know while I’m home. I don’t want to call my ex-boyfriend and I thought hanging out with someone else seemed like a good way to keep my mind off him. I’ve talked with this blind date guy and I was honest with him about the fact that I live in Alaska and I’m leaving at the end of the month. He seems nice. But is there ever anything that isn’t awkward about set ups? I’m already sort of dreading it. I’m sure it will make a fantastic blog post at least. Sigh.

I’m as ready as I’m going to be for this trip. I have the weddings covered and I already got tickets for a Brewers game. Unfortunately, it’s a game against the Cubbies, so the odds are it is going to be a painful game, but at least there will be racing sausages. I don’t think I’ll get too bored and it looks like the weather is going to cool off a bit right when I get there so I won’t die. Basically, I’m totally ready. Check you all on the flip side.