R.I.P. Craig

In the relatively short amount of time I have worked within the environmental field, I’ve seen a substantial shift in mainstream America’s perceptions on what it means to be 'eco-conscience'. Environmental concerns have been gaining traction as fears about climate change and deforestation and energy grow. The number of Priuses (or would it be Prii?) now on the road and the number of reusable bags I see in the grocery store gives me hope that Americans can and will curb our carbon emissions.

But when I think about true environmentalists, I think about Ding Darling and Rachel Carson. I think about leaders who are truly passionate about the environment and the natural world around them and who strive to educate others about the great outdoors. I think about people that lead by example and have spent their life focusing on the natural world. One of the biggest environmentalists I know of is Craig Tufts.

In my few years with the National Wildlife Federation, I had the privilege of sitting three cubicles down from Craig, NWF’s chief naturalist. Craig has been with NWF for over 30 years and he’s been instrumental to the organization, bringing the FrogWatch, Wildlife Watch, and Certified Backyard Habitats programs to life.

But to be completely honest, I didn’t work with Craig much on those projects. The Craig that I know led lunchtime nature walks and had endless amounts of patience teaching me the difference between a weed and a flower. The Craig I know ran the Boston marathon more than once, and ran several ultra-marathons (FIFTY MILES!!) while I was at NWF. He measured his success not in his mile pace, but by the number of birds, animal tracks, and plant species he could identify during his races. ‘My’ Craig brought in yummy produce from his garden and would let me know when a fat groundhog was sunning itself right outside our windows, because God knows without him, I wouldn’t have been able to spot a rhino in our parking lot. I never – not once – saw Craig lose his temper or give any indication that he was having a bad day. Even though we worked on different projects, he always volunteered to help my team out.

I can’t think of anyone who has lived life more fully than Craig. No one deserves to get cancer. But I can think of very few people that have lived a healthier lifestyle than Craig, and today his fight with brain cancer has finally come to an end and it still doesn't seem fair. But he is finally at peace now and I am trying to focus on that. The environmental community owes this man quite a bit of gratitude and I hope that everyone, whether you know Craig or not, will take a minute to pray, or meditate, or contemplate the world around them today and enjoy the wonders of nature. And if there is someone that has inspired your love for the great outdoors, let them know how much they mean to you, because today is a wonderful day to say thank you.

Thank you, Craig! You have meant more to me than you will ever know and you will be truly missed.

...Fuck.

"After a frank discussion with the oncologist this afternoon concerning the extent of regrowth evident on his latest scan, Dad has opted not to receive any more chemotherapy. The cancer has grown significantly into new parts of the brain. He would rather be home, spending time with friends and family, than be making more hospital trips and incur all of the side effects more chemo would undoubtedly bring."

How do you even respond to that?

Get That Pink Ribbon Out of My Face

Yesterday I got this update from my mentor about his cancer:

"I had a drastic turn about in how I was feeling and ended up going into the emergency room. They kept me there for two days and stabilized my "stats" so that I could fly home on Tuesday. What I experienced on Sunday was a severe case of expressive aphasia, due to a combination of complications caused by the chemo drugs I was taking. I am still experiencing some of the aphasia but am working through that.

The cancer is progressing- however slowly- into new territory and is effecting my ability to hold onto the words I need to describe my thoughts and pass them on to others."

I joined Ravelry, a knitting website, a few months ago because of my new obsession and I thought I would see if there are any brain cancer groups I could join. There are a lot of 'charity' groups you can join where you knit things for a cause - everything from hats for troops to dolls for kids in Africa. Anyway, once again, there are about 200 groups dedicated to breast cancer and there was ONE about brain cancer, and it's not even a general group - it's dedicated to one particular boy with brain cancer.

I did a little research awhile ago to see if brain cancer had a certain colored ribbon. It's gray. Seriously? Did they run out of 'happy' colors? Or any color for that matter?

I know I've already complained about this, but sometimes you just need to vent, you know?

Cancer sucks.

Sometimes life is so unfair. I mean, so unfair you go off on existential rants and question your faith. I might have been completely ready to leave the environmental non-profit world to come back to Alaska, but I learned a lot there. And I consider two of my former co-workers to be the best mentors anyone could ask for. One of them was the chief naturalist for our organization. He is one of the most inspiring, intelligent, thoughtful people I have ever met. He has spent the last 32 years working to improve the environment. He runs at least one ultra marathon every year. (For those of you that don’t know about ultras, they are either 50 or 100 MILE races! Who does that?!) Anyway, my former colleague also owns a few acres of land where he grows quite a bit of his own produce. You have never met a healthier person in your life. And just after I left, he was diagnosed with brain cancer. And I realize that cancer sucks, and it’s never fair, blah, blah, blah. But this time, it’s REALLY unfair.

And I am sure this is really horrible of me to say, but sometimes it really pisses me off that there are so many pink ribbons and walks and products but that money doesn’t go into a communal pot. It only goes to breast cancer research, which has a fairly good survival rate. Guess how many people are alive one year after a brain cancer diagnosis? Half. Only 25% make it to two years. My co-workers latest news?

“...wanted to let you know that my MRI on Wednesday indicated that there is a very strong chance that my tumor is growing back. We are waiting for a second opinion and then I'll likely undergo another craniotomy or resection in early December.”

It’s not fair. I just don’t know how else to put it. He does NOT deserve it. His wife doesn’t deserve it. His kids don’t deserve it. It’s just not right. And I don’t know what to say and I am not ready to say goodbye and what really sucks is that I am living somewhere where no one knows him so I don’t even get to talk about it to anyone. I get to sit home alone and cry about it and write about it on my stupid blog that no one reads. I hate cancer.